December 2009

December 2009 sucked quite frankly.

I lost my Mamaw on December 26 at 12:36 a.m. Someone near and dear to my heart, somone that I've lost that makes me feel as if I've lost an arm and part of my heart and soul. I can't even begin to put into words how I feel now that she's gone, I can't even put into words how much she meant to me or what kind of woman she was. There aren't any words to describe her if I sit and think of it that would fit her. I could use cliched ones that have been used time and time again such as strong, confident, non-judgemental and the like but it will never catch the true essence of what and who she was.

She overcame a divorce in 1947...that's amazing. She met my Pop in 1948 in Santa Monica, CA. Both of them are from the East Coast, Pop from this little tiny town in WV, Cottegeville, and Mamaw from better known Kensington, MD. She went to a dance with her cousin while she was visiting on vacation at church and he came with a friend that was a member. He saw her across the floor and had to get to know her.

They went to Beverly Hills parties, sat on the beaches at Santa Monica, Huntington, Malibu, toured LA, got married on May 29, 1949, 61 years ago and bought a little house three blocks from the Santa Monica beach. It was the classic love story...one that I hope that I can have someday. One that I've never tired of hearing, never have tired of looking at, one that I never want to forget. They went on a honeymoon to the Grand Canyon, stopped in Vegas on the way due to a car malfunction. The mechanic saw that they were newlyweds and didn't charge them for the repair as he knew funds were low as Pop was just out of the Navy and Mamaw didn't work. He sent them on their merry way wishing them well and good luck for their future...of which they had. 61 years of love, heartaches, struggles, victories, raising seven children, 8 grandchildren and 4 great-grandchildren...through a move across the country back to Annapolis via train--Mamaw pregnant with my youngest uncle, six kids on her hands--then to WV where they finally settled and made their home permanent.

My mother was the only girl of those seven children...I'm the first granddaughter with five boys before me, I have the only great-grandson. My Mamaw was 27 when she had my mother, my mother 27 when she had me, I was 27 when I had my son. My grandmother loved the ocean...she'd take off with my Pop and head down the coast stopping along the way to visit as many beaches as she could, collected shells and labelled them and lovingly put them in cases. She passed that love to me...one of my best memories was of going to Myrtle Beach with her and my mother seven years ago and walking along with her in the morning as the sun rose over the water searching for shells that she already had hundreds of just because we were finally all together--us three girls--no guys intruding, all doing something that we all loved, all doing something that we knew we'd never get to do again. I hold that walk close to my heart, hear the gulls overhead, feel the sand between my toes, her hand in mine with her skin so soft, hear her voice as she told me what shell she had just found out of memory. A few months ago when my Pop passed, we were given all the things that she wanted us to have someday and her giant shell collection was given to me. No questions from any other family members, no argument would've been accepted...I was packing them to go and found that she had put all the shells from that day in their own box that was separated from the others she had collected over the years with a special note inside of it just for me.

My Mamaw was more than a grandmother to me. She was a confidant that I could talk to when I couldn't talk to my mom, my best friends, my husband. She was just there. Always ready to accept whatever I had to say, always ready to dispense advice in the best way she knew how. Always ready to give a hug, to let you cry on her lap or just be silent if the occasion called for it. There was never a question asked if I showed up out of the blue, walked in her door and made a bee-line to her bedroom to sit in her chair and look out the window--she knew that I'd eventually make my way out and talk when I needed to, when I wanted to. She was mine. She'll never be duplicated, never be replaced. She can't be. I miss her more than anything that I have ever missed in my life.

I feel lost and adrift without her, feel like I'm alone even though I know I'm not. Even in the past year as her mind slowly started to fade, I'd go in and she'd see me, hold out her hand and let me just sit...never talking, never saying a word except for my name...just hold my hand with that one thumb rubbing my skin and absorb what I had to say and then tell me that she loved me. That solved everything. Now I have no solver. I have no one that I can turn to that understands me through and through, who looks past things and sees the big picture, who I'm not afraid to say something to for fear of looking like an idiot or what someone will think.

She was the glue that held our family together, the rock that held the foundation up, the strength that brought everyone through.

I think I'm struggling hard through this for as the first time in my life I'm not the one being strong, I'm not taking her usual role of holding it together for everyone. I'm the one cracking, the one breaking, the one bending. I usually have to hold everything in, I know it's not expected of me, that everyone in the family doesn't like it when I do but yet they almost excpect it of me if that makes any sense. I bawled throughout the viewing, throughout the funeral and they stared not knowing what to do. Guess what?!? I don't even know what in the hell to do! I don't! I don't know anything other than the fact that I'm still here, that I still have years to go before I can see her again, before I can see Pop again and I'm scared of those years. I'm scared to death actually. I don't know how to live without them in my life, don't know how to go on, don't know who to turn to anymore, who will let me just sit there for as long as I need to, who will just let me be me without judging me, who will accept me as I am for who I am. I'm scared that I'll never be that kind of person, that I'll never have even one-hundreths of their strength, their love, their essence.

On the other hand, they've treated me with kid gloves as they do know how much they meant to me...always asking if I was okay...NO I'M NOT FUCKING OKAY! IT WILL BE A LONG TIME BEFORE I'M FUCKING OKAY. There. I finally said it...what I've been afraid to say, what I was afraid to say to them. Like how do you answer that? I'm the one with the goddamn question of what to do and I can't even answer it. Go figure that one out. I think that's one of the hardest things. What do I do?

I know what I am doing...I'm raising my son, the son that I love dearly, the son that I never thought I'd have, the son that will never know these amazing people that he's lost so young...the people that I'll teach him about, the people that I'll try to be for him. He's giving me a focus. I don't have much of one right now, but I do have him. To tell the truth, I don't really feel like doing much aside from raising him. I just don't give a shit at the moment. I really don't.

I know that they'll always be with me, they'll never be gone. It helps, just a tad to remember that, to feel that they're still there.

The things we did, the things we said
Keep coming back to me and make me smile again
You showed me how to face the truth
Everything that's good in me I owe to you

Though the distance that's between us
Now may seem to be too far
It will never seperate us
Deep inside I know you are

Never gone, never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close, everyday
Every step along the way
Even though for now we've gotta say goodbye
I know you will be forever in my life (yeah)
Never gone

I walk alone these empty streets
There is not a second you're not here with me
The love you gave, the grace you've shown
Will always give me strength and be my cornerstone

(Somehow)
Somehow you found a way
To see the best I have in me
As long as time goes on
I swear to you that you will be

Never gone, never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close (always close)
Everyday (everyday)
Every step along the way
Even though for now we've gotta say goodbye
I know you will be forever in my life (in my life yeah)

Never gone from me
If there's one thing I believe (I believe)
I will see you somewhere down the road again

Never gone, never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close (always close)
Everyday (everyday)
Every step along the way
Even though for now we've gotta say goodbye (yeah yeah)
I know you will be forever in my life (in my life)

Never gone, never far
In my heart (in my heart is where) is where you are (you are)
Always close, everyday
Every step along the way

Never gone, never far
In my heart is where you are

--Backstreet Boys, Never Gone

And Jimmy...yeah...RIP, our drummer in the sky.