My orchestra teacher just called me.

"Well I didn't see your name on the All-State list, but I am proud of you for trying out. And you are in the top 20 orchestra students in the state, which is good. But sorry, it didn't happen this year."

There are what, 80 people in the All-State orchestra? If I'm in the top 20 orchestra kids in the state, how the fuck did I not make it?

Whatever. I tried to be positive this year; I didn't tell myself "Oh you're not going to make it" or "You're not good enough" like I did last year. I told myself "You have this" and "You can do it, you're good." Apparently I just kid myself. And I learned that no matter how positive you are about it, you're not going to change reality.

So let's recapitulate. I'm first chair in Symphony at my school, and the second chair violist can play everything better than me. I couldn't even make it into All-State. I couldn't even make above 9th chair in Regionals. Now I know why the cellists in the back row talk shit about me, saying "She's not even that good." Because I'm not even that good. Granted, they are bitches and really aren't ones to talk. It doesn't matter, though. I'm sick of disappointing myself.