To You, (Love, Me.)

To You,

I'm sitting here and realizing the full extent of what's really happened to us. Realizing that I have no one on your level anymore. No one I can talk to about everything we ever did. I'm in a situation right now that I want to go somewhere and cry for days, and the only person I want to cry to is YOU and YOU ARENT HERE ANYMORE. I miss you so much. I miss you so FUCKING much and I don't know what to do without you.

(I'M LOST AND YOU'RE STILL THE ONLY ONE THAT COULD FIND ME.)

I was mad before and that hid it for a while because I could pretend like I was just too mad to care but I do. I really, really fucking care and I feel like there's a massive hole in who I used to be and no amount of the rocks and dirt and mud that filled it before you came, none of that can fill it back up again because you made my heart so much bigger. You made me so. Much. Better. And now none of what was there before filling that hole of what it was missing makes any sort of a difference at all because it's just. Not. Fucking. Good enough.

(I CAN'T FIND ENOUGH INANIMACY TO KEEP ME FROM FEELING.)

Everything I ever talked to you about and everything I need to talk to you about RIGHT NOW is just stuck with me and I don't know what to do with it. I went through a breakup without you that was one of the two hardest ones I've EVER HAD, and now I feel like I'm pushing someone else away, too because of that whole situation, and I am utterly alone in all of it.

(I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITHOUT YOU.)

I need you so much. I need you in my life and I need you to talk to and to keep me sane, even though half the time it was the other way around. And underneath it all I know I can't have you back because I know I lost you a long time ago, I just wouldn't let you go. All of the fights and all of the arguments, every. Single. Time. And I'd log off and know that I was losing you piece by little fucking piece but I couldn't accept that, WOULDN'T accept that, and then one night it was just gone. I snapped for the very last time and the more I think about it, the more I know it was the right thing to do, and the more I realize that I haven't got a clue what to do with myself without you.

(I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LIVE WITHOUT WANTING TO DIE ANYMORE.)

I don't know how to handle myself without someone to fall back on, and I just keep realizing how much more I trusted you than anyone else. Every single fucking one of my friends that I have, I want to tell things to, but then I realize EVERY FUCKING TIME, OVER AND OVER AGAIN that I never could tell them those things.

(I'M SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE I'LL NEVER REALLY TRUST.)

I'll never be able to tell them about the first time I french kissed a boy. I'll never tell them about my first real date, never tell them all about my night for hours or giggle with them about how I got in trouble for public displays of affection in the coffee shop with him. I've never had other friends like that. Only you. And you're gone.

(YOU'RE FUCKING GONE.)

I can't believe I let you go.
(I can't believe I made you go.)

I hate myself because I couldn't keep you safe.
(I hate you for not letting me protect you.)

I hate myself for losing you.
(I hate myself because I can't stop being lost.)

I wish I could hate you. It would be so much easier.
(Love, me.)