I'm not exactly sure what most people use these things for but today I'm going to use it to rant, which means you should probably ignore it. I'm ranting about my thoughts and feelings.
I have no one else to tell it to, so I'll put it out for the world to see. This is the perfect website for me to rant, my friends barely go on mibba. I find it hard to tell people these sorts of things if they're my friend in real life. And it'd just be awkward with my friends if they actually read this. The most they'd be able to do is give me a hug and recommend I see the school psychologist. I wouldn't be able to express my true feelings if I was face to face with someone. I know I have trust issues, I know where it started from, but don't know how to fix it, I'm not going to go face to face with the school psychologist to sort it out, it'd take too much time. I should be using this time I'm wasting to study for a major biology exam tomorrow. Oh well I can't think or concentrate with these thoughts running through my mind, so I'm writing them down and saving it for later.
I can't stand putting pen on paper and writing in a journal that way either. I write too slow, while my thoughts move to quickly so I only manage to write down a couple of them, if I use paper. I type much faster than I write. I hate writing things down on paper because I always have the feeling someone is looking over my shoulder, if you type it's a lot harder for someone to read over your shoulder. It's extremely hard for me to sit during exams or in individual class work when there are teachers walking around. I hate it when people look at my work when it's not finished. I hate the way they silently judge what you've done so far. I understand they're only trying to give you ways to improve, but there is still a lot of opinions in their head that don't get voiced. Like the fact that everything I write, create or do is shit.
I'd write in word pad and save it to the computer, however I don't see the point in writing something if no one is going to read it. I know I could use it as a personal reflection, which I do sometimes, but sometimes you have to let it out for others to see, or else the thoughts end up just echoing throughout your head. Letting others see your thoughts releases them from your head, sometimes. It feels good to let them escape from your head. Saves them from making you upset when you're alone.
Hence I use the internet. It can be anonymous, and some people might actually read it, if they could be bothered, which I don't expect they would be. It's still the thought that someone has read it, even if no one has.
Sometimes I just need someone to talk to about my problems. Everytime I try to tell someone, I chicken out. Or I get distracted by them telling what is wrong in their life. After school I'm hoping to go to university to become a psychiatrist, so I would need to get used to people telling me their problems, I don't mind people telling me their problems. I feel slightly helpless when I don't have any good advice to give them, but I realise just the thought of someone knowing, and understanding helps enough sometimes. But sometimes I just need someone to listen to me and actually understand what I'm talking about, or at least pretend to (convincingly).
Sometimes I don't even feel like a human being. I feel like an object, which people use when THEY need it. And when they've finished they feign intrest so they can use me next time they want me. I'm sick of being used. I know my friends don't mean it, and it's probabaly just my fucked up mind messing with me again, but I don't want to have that feeling anymore. I'm sick of trying to pretend everything is alright.
Me thinking this just makes me feel like I need psychological help. I don't want extra help. I want to be normal. What makes it worse is the thoughts constantly echo in my head. They're so pessimistic, and have no method of escape. The main reason as to why I'm writing this. It's gotton to the point where it's extremely difficult to think of anything else. So this is a method of letting some extra space back in my head to think about the exam tomorrow.
I feel like giving up on school. My thoughts have over run my school life and I'm failing miserably at everything. I always promise myself, and everyone around me, that I'll try harder next time. I do, sometimes, but I still fail. Which makes me give up more easily. Is there a point in trying if you know you're going to fail anyway?
Sometimes I feel I need to get away from everything. Move away and start again. I feel like moving to another country, by myself. Unfortuneately I'm 358 days too young, and I don't have the money. I'd have more money in 358 days (inheritence) but not enough. I wish I could still get away for a little while. Outside of Australia. It's a great country, but I want to experience another culture. To live their lifestyle, to change mine. I'd love to go to europe. I have family heritage there, having family come from England on the First Fleet (they weren't convicts). It's amazing how different Australia is from England when we are still ruled by the Queen, and it's where we originated from. I'd love to move to a new country, change my lifestyle, and start again.
Reading over this just makes me think of how selfish I'm being and it's making me feel worse. I shouldn't expect people to listen to me whine and bitch. I should just ignore my problems. But in doing that I know they won't go away. These thoughts are conflicting and contradicting themselves. Part of my problem.
I think that's all I should rant about today. I'm now feeling slightly better. But overall
I still just really need someone to talk to.
P.S Reading over this, I realised I wrote a lot. Sorry for wasting your time if you read all of it (doubt it), but I thank you HEAPS *hugs tightly*.
If you actually took the time to read this (doubt it) could you PLEASE leave a comment, so I know you read it, even if you don't say anything in the comment, PLEASE just leave one. Might not seem like it but believe me it helps
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