Beginning of Life Crisis....

Okay so I just experienced my mom telling me in the harshest way possible that I need to get my shit together and put my butt in gear because I am not trying my hardest.

And she's right, I'm not trying my hardest, I make excuses and I am lazy, I agree completely. But it's so hard to try my hardest.

I always feel like I'm trapped or caged by my own self. I don't know how to shake the feeling.

I don't know how to motivate myself, I don't know how to create ambition....
I am ADHD, and I don't take my medication... But I fear I might have to start... I say fear because I hate my meds. They seem to change my personality...

I don't know what to do, I don't have much money to pay for college and my parents are only funding me until I am 21 (I'm currently 18) but I still don't know what I want to do with my life if my dreams don't work out...

I don't understand....
It's not that she doesn't understand me, it's that I just don't understand.

I don't understand life, I don't understand myself, I don't understand why I have to put up with this situation...

But mostly, I don't understand why I am having such a hard time focusing in school all the time (not talking about my ADHD here), or why I can't just have a solid thing in mind of what I want to do, or why I just can't be good at school.

Because I am not an academic person, I am not studious, it's so hard for me to just sit there and study or read the damn text book.....

I don't know why my parents never drilled this shit into me when I was a kid instead of letting me run wild...

Not saying that they're to blame, because I'm also at fault. I mean, I could have tried harder, I can try harder, it's just... so damn hard.

Why is it hard to try hard? I don't understand that... For the love of God, can't I just be injected with some sort of smart-serum? Ugh... FML...