welcome to my mind

i'm not going to lie to you and tell you i'm the bravest person there ever is, and ever is going to be, because it's not, nor has it ever been, true.
I've kept this locked in my head for god knows how long, not telling Anyone what i was really thinking, or telling anyone how i was really feeling, because i knew that they would see me as someone different then they know me as. YOU don't know me, YOU can't possibly say i'm different if i hadn't lied to you yet. thats why i am going to be completely honest.
I'm weak, spineless, lost, lonely, worthless, brutal, sadistic, evil, hurtful, hurting, selfish, grateful, kind, sweet, sick, dumb, retarded, and most importantly, i'm paranoid.
You watch me walk down the street, i'm glaring at you, wishing you death, showing with that glare that in an instant, i could beat you down...but it's not true, i'm weak, dieing inside.
I'm Spineless, afraid of my own shadow, scared that in any moment someone can turn their back on me, because i wasn't worth the time.
I'm Lost, through all these thoughts that form in my mind i can't decide on which is the real me, i'm wandering around wondering where i should be.
I'm Lonely, nobody else in this world can understand what i'm going through, so nobody else can relate, i fear that i'll be alone forever.
I'm Worthless, i have no reason to live, i wasn't wanted when i was born, there's no way i'll be wanted now.
I'm Brutal, i won't let you off easily, if you think you got the best of me, your wrong, even if i am weak and spineless, i won't be made a fool in public.
I'm Sadistic, i laugh at your pain, your tears, and your screams, even if you lie dead in front of me, i'll feel nothing, not even a bit of sadness. To me, you never existed. you were only my punching bag.
I'm Evil, i'm against everything in the world, and only wish to destroy.
I'm Hurtful, i'll say things that'll make you cry, to make me feel better about myself.
I'm Hurting, i wish that everything would get better, that i wasn't separated from my family, and that i'm not completely hated by everyone i love, but things never turn out right.
I'm Selfish, i want things to be for me and only me, i want things to go my way, even though i can't win.
I'm grateful, i'm happy that i'm still alive, but i'm pissed that i'm not dead yet, i'm through with being tortured.
I'm Kind, if i see you in a whole new light, and i see you suffering from all the pain you have endured, i'll be by your side forever, and help you through everything.
I'm Sweet, i love to make you happy and i love to see you smile, i'll do anything to please you.
I'm sick, I fear i have a mental illness that hasn't been diagnosed yet.
I'm Dumb, my mind needs time to process, i don't understand a lot of things as much as i should.
I'm Retarded, never meant to be in the real world of life, i won't be able to make a living and i'll never be able to reach my goals.
I'm Paranoid, the reason why i can't tell the people i know these things, i don't trust them enough to stay by me and to help me, they try, but i know what their really thinking, that don't want to be around me. it's fine, just don't say it to my face, and don't try to tell me i'm not, or i'll kill you. there i said it, i flat out just said it, i'll kill you.
if you have no IDEA what i'm talking about, just get out, don't even question it, get out and never look back. Your not welcome in my mind.