Dedicated to the word fathom.

It is difficult to brush away these moods, to put them aside, to ignore their existence, because the truth is that they occur. I am no longer in the mindset to run away from anything and that includes these moods. It's not necessarily sadness or melancholy, in fact I'm not sure whether they are major elements at all in this mood. It's just contemplation, I suppose. It's just contemplation that revolves around a web of things that lead to a circle of discussion, each one proceeding to the next and back around.

It started with change. Change leaves you in a vulnerable position and this can be both good and bad. Good changes occur all the time and I think it is less often noticed as "change" when it is something good. I think the word change has a negative bias, it has somewhat of a negative connotation - perhaps due to our love for habits and familiarity. And people change, people change all the time. People change constantly. And sometimes people change in a way that drives you apart. Which is okay because people come and go.

But change can be a difficult process when such situations occur. Change can be hurtful and sad. Drifting apart, losing, not being familiar with the most stable thing in your life is intimidating, shocking, hurtful and sad. It just leaves a bunch of memories. It leaves you with memories of the word "fathom" because it reminds you of them. I mean, FATHOM?! And somehow you unconsciously think of that person every time you eat white bread.

I miss sharing my life with you. I really miss sharing my life with you. Not because I am dependent. Dependent is the last word I'd use to describe me. But I like telling you about lying on the roof and watching the clouds move. Those were the fragile, intimate and even insignificant moments of my life that I liked you knowing. And I liked it when you understood, I liked it when you told me those stories in return. I liked the plans we made to do these little, stupid and insignificant to everyone else things.

It's sounds more sad when I write it out and think about it, because normally I am okay with it. I have learnt that I don't have to share anything with anyone. That I should be fine with just me. But I can't help but think about you and the memories of what used to be, especially when the word "fathom" makes me think of you.

Why is it that with all this conversation around me, with all these good people around me, I still have these thoughts about you? Why is it that what we had is so real to me and not to you? Even though I have no evidence to make that claim, I have no evidence to think otherwise. I want there to be words that remind you of me. And I don't know why I want that, but I do. Just because. Just because I still think about your before bed and even if I have thoughts of other random awesome things, it always comes back to you. I want there to be a new constant, I want there to be something else that my thoughts revolve around. Just because I don't want the word "fathom" to mean anything to me anymore.

I don't want to think of you saying how your love for me is more than anyone could ever fathom when I think of that word just because it hurts. I'm tired of you.

I cried a river writing and reading this over. I really don't know why.