What's the deal with cheddar cheese?

I mean it's such a smug little bastard cheese. All popular and shit. It's all "Hey, I'm Cheddar cheese, and people put me on fucking EVERYTHING."
Smug bastard.
And it's not even that great! Why doesn't, say, Havarti get this kind of credit?! Havarti is TWICE as good!
I mean, even fucking Colby Jack is better!
And that color! Ugh! It's like newborn baby shit!
Do YOU want newborn baby shit on your pizza?! DO YOU?! I THOUGHT NOT.
Stupid little bastard cheese!
And that shit is bad for you, too!
CHEDDAR CHEESE IS THE REASON YOU'RE A FATASS!
And it tastes like shit on burgers too! Fatass cheese is not meant to be on ground beef! Havarti or Provolone is SO MUCH BETTER!
Fucking smug, fatass, bastard cheese.

(Done for the Duck Duck Goose game on the forums. Ehehe...)