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Abuela,

I can't even begin to think what I want to say to you. I'm too cowardly to say this to your face, but I hope my love is enough. It's just too much for me right now. I can't speak. Can't form the words, barely a coherent sentence in that room. It still hasn't hit me-- that you're fading. Essence is definitely leaving your body, but it has not escaped from the lifetime of memories you have provided me with. I don't regret a single moment spent with you. I wanted to say all this now while you are still in this realm as mundane as it may be. Anything said after the fact would cement your absence and I will never accept that just like I've never accepted a lot of things.

I guess I got your stubbornness. Doesn't surprise me at all. You are my mother. My abuela; my everything. The most amazing person I ever will come to know. You've helped keep this family together for years. We're having a hell of a time without you in the household. We're gonna keep trying 'cause I know that's what you want. Even as you lie there all you do is worry. Worry about the kids and school, worry about who has been cooking, if we have enough money. Stubborn old woman, you are. No matter how much we try and console you, your bleeding heart still pours. Never will stop, will you? No matter how much of a rut you were in, you've always helped others. Taught me countless life lessons.

Never turn your cheek to others. The most valuable thing I have learned. You passed your bleeding heart to me, Abuela. It doesn't matter how much I've tried to deny it. I thrive on helping people even if they sometimes walk on my back. I'm glad I have had you all these years. You've done so much for me, but what I want more than anything in the world right now is for you to rest. That is the least you deserve. Everyone will be fine. You don't have to hold on simply out of worry. You've taught us well.

The women in our family are resilient. Strong, proud, beautiful, independent women. Women that carry the world on their shoulders if necessary and it is all because of you. We all take after you and will always keep you in our hearts. I'll have countless stories to tell my future nieces and nephews. They'll be sure to know of their brash and strong great-grandmother. I don't want you to leave, but that's the selfish part of me talking. You deserve your rest. Don't worry, Abuela. We'll be fine.

Love forever and always,
Tu nena, Angelica... x