Life.

Have you ever encountered an experience where you're asked to do something where you really don't know what to do but someone else asks you to do it anyway no matter how much you try to persuade that person that you really have no fucking idea what to do? I mean its not that I'm lazy its just that I really have no fucking idea on what to do but that person doesn't believe me since he thinks that since I get good grades in school and that I'm 'smart' and shit and that I use the computer most of the time that maybe I'll know everything there is to know about stuff to do on the computer like make a fucking slide show. Well guess what? I don't fucking know how to make a slide show. Now Power Point presentations are cheap but what he fucking wants is different and I know that a Power Point presentation isn't what he's looking for.

I tell him that I don't know how to do it and then he gets angry at me saying that I waste too much time on the computer doing nothing and I should start doing something productive. I really want to yell back at him but guess what? He's my grandpa - my mother's father.

My mom always told me to respect my elders but how can I respect someone who thinks I know everything and thinks I can do anything when I seriously fucking can't?! Now this isn't the first time he's done something that sent me blowing up like a volcano. He used to call me fat. Like always. He always told me that I should exercise and shit and that I should really eat less because I was getting really fucking fat with all the stuff I eat. I was bullimic once. It was because of him.

I stopped choking myself because I thought he really wasn't worth it and the choking was wrecking my vocal chords and I need my vocal chords to sing (I'm not in a band or anything but I jam with my brother and well it's fun). I mean I don't even know why the fuck I thought choking myself would be a good thing. Well, sure I lost weight and dropped pounds and crap like that but I could've done something better and safer to lose it all.

Before, I wasn't able to get much exercise because simply, I had no time due to school and whatever might have come my way. But now, I have to fit badminton into my schedule and I guess its okay because I have fun playing the sport and now he hardly talks about my weight. You know, I think my self-esteem problem started because of his endless ranting about how big I used to be when I wasn't even obese. Maybe I was overweight or something but I've seen people bigger than I was in the same age but guess what? They lived as if they had no care in the world. As if no one even cared about how they looked.

Sometimes I wish I was born in another family but then there's actually a highlight about the one I have. I live with a fortunate family. I'm not bragging here and maybe our family is not super wealthy but I've got more than I've ever asked for and my grandpa's money made that happen. But does that mean he can treat me like shit? He made me feel like such a fucking disgrace in our family telling me that I was like the fattest one out of everyone but that just wasn't true and it hurt when he talked about my weight because whenever he talked about it, we were either eating lunch or dinner and the whole family can hear him fucking rant. Ever since then I've tried to avoid eating while he's around and so far its going okay I guess. But whenever we do eat together, he doesn't mind me anymore because he believes that I've 'slimmed down'.

Now maybe I may come off a little unappreciative and maybe I take too many things for granted and maybe I'll regret shit in the end but this is my life and I want to live it the way I fucking want to. Maybe I wasted my life away on this or something but I don't know. I don't really care anymore. FML.