Frustrated, Lost, Doubtful

I'm currently sitting here writing my journal with mixed emotions. I have so many thoughts and fears that I think I may be going crazy! Here's why:-

1) I'm trying to write a formal letter to someone(hey! it's not a love note ok?) asking for the requirements needed to join their school and I'm nervous as hell.

2) I am feeling embarrassed and humiliated because we were playing truth or dare and that person chose truth. So I asked, "has anyone in our group done anything to annoy you?" And that person said yes and I, being stupidly curious said, "Who?" And without remorse or hesitation that person said,"You." That single word made me paranoid and brought back the cold nostalgia of memories I'm not too fond of. It made me rethink all of my actions that I have done in the past to others, some good and some not. The questions that would normally come up in my head is "Did i annoy this person?" "OMG, does this person think I'm annoying?" The safe bubble that I have built up for many years had just been popped open, leaving me self-conscious and scared. She probably didn't mean it and you know, we did ask her for the truth. So maybe she was just saying the truth. I didn't know that everytime I ask the rest of the group to hurry it up because she hasn't eaten her lunch yet, she'd find it annoying. I was really worried that she'd get Gastric from eating a late lunch. She said why didn't I say that my other friend hasn't eaten yet? Why does it have to be her? It was because i know my other friend all my life and she can literally eat her lunch ANY TIME. Her lunch time is flexible. So was I really annoying?(You don't really have to comment on that *wince*)

3) I love writing stories but I need time and I don't write every single day. My passion for writing is there but I can't be forced into doing it like what I'm feeling now. I know my bff has the best intentions and she loves books but how am I going to tell her, "STOP! I can't write under pressure, I need my time and space!I am not a computer that can write every single day without doing things I want to do like watch TV or go online. I don't like feeling guilty every day when all you do is keep asking me to write and write and write or when you ask me how many pages have you done? Make sure to write a lot or else I ain't gonna talk to you and I'm going to be moody the whole day! Seriously, I'm HUMAN, I need to BREATHE!" But I don't want to hurt her feelings. I have asked her before Why don't you write the story yourself? We can still write the story together but take it slowly and her reason was, "I'm not good at expressing words." I get it and it's true but really, I'm begging you, I need space to think. Right now, I feel like a bird stuck in its cage.

All these problems make me suffocate and sometimes I wish I can be my alter-ego where I can be alone but independent and strong, and free…