Do you feel like this?

It's hard to explain, but everything feels like it's falling apart. Everything was great, wonderfully amazing, but some shit happened that threw you completely off guard. Now, you want nothing more than to stand on the outside and look in. You want to see your life from someone else's point of view, someone else's perspective. You want to see what they see, because you feel they see so much different than you do. You feel that if you could just look in, you would instantly see a better route, a better path to take. You would see the answer to your problems and solving them would follow smoothly. Unfortunately though, this is not humanly possible. Instead, you have to live your life from day to day not knowing the solutions or where you’re going. You have to wait for the outcome to see what is going to happen. And you’re scared, you’re so freaking scared that the worst possible thing is going to happen, like you’re on trial with life and the death penalty is a possibility. Then your heart starts pounding and races with the speed of light. You feel like you can’t breathe or someone punched the air out of your lungs. Your body is weak, almost tired, and you fall to your knees. You want nothing more than to sleep away the pain. You are so mentally exhausted, constantly worrying, for yourself or for someone else. On the outside, you stay collected and calm, but you’re freaking out on the inside, afraid and nervous. No matter what you do, you can’t take away the pressure building up. You can’t take away the throbbing. No matter what, you can’t take away the worrying. It’s a constant. You feel groggy with no drive to talk to anyone, even though that’s what you need to do. You push the people who mean the most to you away. And when the day comes, and it’s all resolved, you feel like you are floating. Everything instantly faded away, the pain, the pressure; all of it. You can smile more just knowing the outcome. You instantly have energy to celebrate, no more of that groggy feeling. There is no longer a care in the world. That day comes and you feel so much better that the worst is finally over. You breathe a big sigh of relief and can finally be at peace. A couple days later, everything catches up to you. The exhaustion, the pain, the suffering, the waiting, and you break down. You’ve held your ground and gave a smile for so long that you just can’t anymore. The tears spill over your eyelids in the easiest motion, almost as if they were made to fall down your cheeks. You can’t help it, and they won’t stop. You cry for hours, until you think they’re no tears left. You wipe any evidence of sadness away, clear the smudged make-up or blotchy red cheeks, put on a big smile, and face the world once again, ready or not.