My Depressed Little Rant

I feel…..I feel really depressed right now. I know, what a great way to start my little rant session, but I have to be truthful about this, and that is the truth entirely. I feel like I’m not good enough, I feel sad, I feel slightly lost, and I feel hurt. I also feel incredibly selfish right now. I probably don’t have any right to complain to you about this, but the again it was your choice to read it. I probably don’t have any right to feel this way at all. I mean, my life is not horrible. My life is pretty fucking easy compared to many, many other people. What reason have to feel so…down?

I guess right now I’m just slipping in to one of my little ruts. It’s when even after a really good day everything just seems to fall on top of me, and then I get sad again. I start to think about how ugly I am, and how I do absolutely nothing of any meaning for anybody, and how I’m fat. It’s so hard to think anything good about myself; the depressed part has ruled over me for a very long time. I often keep my feelings to myself around my friends and family. I don’t think they would care much about how I feel, either that or I feel like I would be hassling them, or that the fact that I am telling them means that I am weak. I constantly beat myself up inside, and it’s almost like the sad part and the happier part of me are waging war in my head.

I feel like all of my life I have never been considered beautiful or smart by anyone. My sister has always been the pretty girl, and any time somebody who’s unrelated meets her they always say that we look nothing alike, and I know exactly what they mean by that. She’s skinny, she’s pretty, and she doesn’t press any buttons. I’m the complete opposite. The one thing that I like about myself is that I don’t follow the crowd like she does, and I don’t play my life along the terms of what is considered ‘socially correct.’ I’m not selfish like she is either, and I guess that’s another thing that I like about me. I can’t imagine thinking about me twenty four-seven. I love my friends, and my family; I just think that I am unworthy of them.

Sometimes I dream of coming out better than all of the people who ever doubted me; my parents, my sister, my friends, and anybody who thinks I’m stupid. Sometimes I dream of becoming a psychologist, and being beautiful, and fit too. I want to show people that I’m not worthless, but achieving that is almost impossible when inside, I think I am worthless too. I hurt a lot, but I don’t want to show other people who are close to me. A lot of the time when I have to cry, I just go into another room.

I’m sorry for dumping on you poor little readers out there, if you are even there anyway, I just needed to post this.