A Little Something Personal

it's hard to know that you have best friends, but you can't tell them how you truly feel. How lonely I am despite my smiles and laughter; it's a hard feeling not to be able to talk to someone. I usually talk to my dog when I'm alone, but I still don't feel complete after. It's probably because of my social life, because ever since I left middle school I've been depressed.

At my new high school, I don't have a social life. I mean, I've been asked out three times already, but an actual friend to talk to is what I don't have. I spend my lunchtime walking around for thirty-minutes, usually around the science building because, from afar, you can see a greenhouse and I'm wondering how to get up there. That's how lonely and weird I am. I wish my best friends went to the same high school as me, but two of them went to a private school that I can't even afford because I'm poor, and another is still in middle school, about to graduate, and he's going to the brother private school of my best friends. Compared to them, my family is much poorer. I wanted to go to the private school with two of my best friends, but the cost was too much for my dad (the only one who works for money around here) can't handle that much. So I went to a public school with great academic programs (I'm currently in the second highest program of 6 others.) And so, everyone else is in private school, which I miss so much, and I'm the only one in public school because of recession.

It could also be because I usually just go against myself. Like, when I think of something that makes me sad, I just make it worse by telling myself even horrible stuff, and then I get depressed. It's really NOT healthy, but I can't help it: I have no social life, and I just make it worse.

I want to tell someone that I'm alone, but they won't always be there in my life. It'll be good to know there's someone who I can go to all the time though, but I feel like I'm too much of a burden for someone to carry. Trusting someone (especially the guy you like whose your best friend and that it feels that you just ruined your friendship) is hard for me, especially because of my hardships in the past.

Hopefully, I won't be too lonely by the time I'm a senior, right? (: