Two years ago, my best friend left. I had liked him for a while, and I told him everything. He came to visit just after Christmas, and after he left he never talked to me again. He broke my heart. I trusted him with everything, and he crushed it. I was a wreck for months, and I still get upset thinking about it.
Now I'm faced with the same problem again, only I'm on the opposite side of the relationship. My boyfriend just told me that he doesn't understand why people pursue relationships that are destined to fail, and that he doesn't think someone should put so much emotional reliance on a relationship that won't last. He really doesn't get it, and I can't bring myself to point it out to him. He doesn't seem to understand that our relationship isn't set in stone. We're not destined to fail or last; it just is. I just wish I had some way to make him see that there's not guarantee that we'll be together forever. And every time he tells me how much he loves me, I just feel like a horrible person. Don't get me wrong, he's one of my best friends and I really can't imagine not knowing him, but I'm just not convinced that he's the one. I don't mean "The One", I just mean... I can't see myself marrying him and being happy. I think about it... and I just feel trapped. I don't want to break up with him, but I don't know how it will work.
I know I don't have to worry about this right now. I'm 19, it's not like I have to get married tomorrow. But between my parents telling me it's not fair to keep dating him if I'm not interested in long-term, and him telling me how much he loves me and how he never wants to be away from me, I don't know what to do.
I was a wreck after Collin left. I know all too well how much it hurts, and I can't bear to do that to him. I know the circumstances wouldn't be the same. I would at least be decent enough to give an explanation, and I have no intention of cutting all contact, but the way he is... I know it'll be just as bad.
I know my last journal is pretty much exactly the same thing, but I really just... I'm lost. I pray about it and everything in me just says "wait." I talk to my parents and they immediately want me to dump him and move on. They don't get that I really do care about him. I love him, but I'm not IN love with him. He's one of my best friends, and I don't want to hurt him. They just don't get that, and none of my friends are any help.
And then there's my other best friend. The one that, no matter how hard I try, I still love him to death and I would probably do just about anything for him. He's the sweetest person I've ever met, and even though I know he told my roomie last year that he only likes me as a friend, he doesn't always act that way and it just sets me falling for him all over again. What's worse is that no matter what, my parents are still convinced that I have a chance with him, no matter how much I tell them I really don't. That's still such a painful thought. I'm going to see him again in less than a month, after only having contact online for the past 2 and a half years. And I'm scared. I'm afraid that I'll fall for him even more, which would be horrible timing considering my boyfriend will be there as well. I'm ecstatic to see him again; he's getting tackled at the airport before anyone else. I don't care what any of my friends there think, I've been dying to meet this kid again and he's getting tackled. He knows he's getting hugged first, and my boyfriend knows, and while obviously neither of them really cares who gets hugged first, it's like this huge dilemma for me. Am I a bad girlfriend if I don't hug my boyfriend first? Or am I really just freaking out over nothing? I know I am, but it still bothers me. I'm in love with the wrong person, just like always, and no matter how much I try to talk myself out of it I just keep falling for him even harder.
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