i needed to vent.

Have you ever been so inlove that it turns into spite, because there is no way in hell anyone could love anyone else the way you love for this person?

I have. I am.

I am engulfed in this anger. I absolutely hate this man. With every being in my body I hate him. But he is the one. He is the only one that I think about, that I talk about...cry about. I'm not obsessed though. I'm just a teenaged girl with crazy hormones.

It's been three years. A long, bumpy three years. I should know him inside and out but somehow I come to realize everything that I thought I knew about him was totally wrong. He does a complete 360 on me and I have to change everything. It's so frustrating. First it's get a schlorship for playing football at Ohio State, because who doesn't want thousands of people to wear your name and number on a jersey? Then it was something more simple- I want to be a respected business man. Now he is signing up for the miltary. The one thing that I said would kill me if someone I loved signed up for the miltary.

Yeah, don't get me wrong joining the miltary is an honor to your country. However, I have had to many people that I love die, or come back messed up in the head to let anyone else that I love go over seas just to kill someone because they run their country differently.

His reasonings to join the army? He told me he has so much anger built up from his dad being a dick that he feels the need to go kill someone. And since it's illegal in America to kill someone out of anger, he is going to go kill someone else's husband, brother, nephew, or son. That got me mad too. Why not wife, sister, niece, or daughter? Are women not good enough to kill? Stupid fucking men thinking that they are better than everyone else.

He forgot my birthday. I had talked about it for months, everyday leading up to my birthday. I get into his car waiting to here something along the lines of "happy birthday." and maybe even an "I love you.". He didn't tell me in the car though, so I thought maybe he had something special back at his house. Nope. We spent six hours together without one single word about my birthday. Even when I got call after call from people he hates telling me happy birthday and I know that he damn well heard their voices on the other end of the phone. He just dropped me back off at my house, early. Not even a kiss goodbye. Worst birthday by far.

He hates all of my friends. I can't even talk about my friends because he doesn't like them. He likes my best girl friend, but thats it. He only likes her because she has been friends with him before we started dating. The rest of my friends are guys though. It's not a bad thing. Girls around here are just bitches. I have a very low tolerance shit and drama. Girls, thats all they deal with. Guys like to drink beer and watch tv. Plain and simple, no drama. He hates that I am friends with all these guys though. He got so mad that I stayed the night at my friend John's house. Well he is very, very gay so I saw no problem in it. I wish he could trust me.

I don't trust him though. One of his ex girlfriend's called me asking for his new number becuase he had talked to her awhile back about getting together. She didn't know that we had been dating. A girl freshman year was telling me about how this guy was very persistent about 'hanging out' with her sometime. Low and behold that was yours truely the jackass.

I should have left him then, but I was 6 feet under and no one could hear me scream.

But I'm inlove with him and no matter how much I hate the things he does and does not do I can't change the way I feel. I have tried. I have broken up with him, called him names, kicked him at his weakest point, made out with his best friend. But that only made me look like a fool. It wasn't hurting him. He was getting along just fine without me. I hated it, I was suffering, and he wasn't.

But he was because not long after he was telling me everything I wanted to hear. I wanted to walk about but my heart took over my brain and I let him back into my life once again. I hate to love him and I love to hate him. He needs me and thats why I stay. He is my charity case. Life before me made him who he is and breaking a man from who he used to be isn't going to happen overnight. Hell, it takes longer than three years. I love him, and I want to be with him. I don't care if changes who is is again. If he drops out of school and becomes a pot smoking hippie. I'll be fine with that. If he goes and talks to all of these women, I'll be fine with that too. He comes home to me, every night. So he can break me down in a million other different ways. I am still going to love him. People can call me stupid and spit their venom. I still won't change.

I am done venting about what I have already vented about in the past.