Day 37, 38, and 39

I forgot to add a journal entry on the exact date, so I'll do all three now.

Right now "The Only Hope For Me Is You" My Chemical Romance is playing - so it's screwing with my mood, but this weekend I was actually happy. I went to go see my best friend in Jersey and we spent two days together doing all the stuff we used to do when we were little kids. We built a tent, ate bagels for breakfast, played the sims and Nancy Drew.

Not to mention we had a huge talk with her mom about how much we wish we never went out with our ex boyfriends. We sat there telling her mom how if we never went out with them we'd never be like this. We wouldn't even know how it felt to feel this low if we never said yes to them in the first place. Her mom told us this stuff might happen to us and better it happens now so we're ready if it ever happens again in the future. I see that as bullshit. I wish this never happens to me again, and in fact I'm going to see it doesn't - fuck going out with anybody! We were actually laughing having a conversation about how we wished they'd die slow horrible deaths, that we were made aware of so we could see them in pure, unadulterated, misery.

After having that conversation we went to see Black Swan - awesome movie by the way - but there was a part where one character told Natalie Portman that Beth got hit by a car, I was the only one in the theater that was hysterical laughing. My friend looked at me in shock and asked why I thought that was funny, I simply replied that I thought about my ex being that character getting hit by a car, then she laughed as well. I wouldn't want him to die, if he hadn't broken up with me. I still everyday, every minute think for one second that he actually misses me, then I slap myself knowing it's not true.

I had the greatest weekend with my friend, I actually had a genuine laugh - where I wasn't just faking a laugh to cheer myself up. No, a serious laugh bursted from my throat and I was honestly happy, but that moment didn't last. The minute I laughed I thought about Tommy and how much he made me laugh. It's sickening when I think about that night over and over again. I think about the amount of crying on both parts, the not speaking - the way my body felt when I knew what he was trying to say.

"Make a wish when your childhood dies - hear the knock, knock, knock when she cries, we're all alone tonight" S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W My Chemical Romance

This album is killing me ever since we broke up.

When this album came out we were still dating. A few songs on here made me think of how much I loved him, now that we're not going out I wish the album never came out. The band that helped me save myself is now being ruined by the one boy that used to be the most wonderful thing that happened to me.

Tonight I think I'm going out with my cousin and his wife to celebrate her birthday. I feel like he invites me because he feel obligated to keep me occupied. I think he thinks I'm going to kill myself.

Did I tell you I think he likes someone? I believe I did.