Day 40

We're closing in on two months now and it hasn't gotten any easier.

Today in particular was another crumby day. I had to finish my project on him. I'm still not done, I have a little more than half a roll to shoot. I think I'll go to one last place hopefully in the city - maybe tomorrow before the snow. That last place is called Heaven. And no I'm not going to kill myself - though I've felt that low - the place with significance to Tommy and I is called Heaven, him and his friends named it that.

Today I went to a bunch of different locations with my mom. I didn't tell her what each place meant to me, to us, and I didn't let her know why there were certain spots I had to stand in either. She was a very understanding person to be with though. She didn't ask questions, she didn't bother asking about the places, or about how silly my ideas were. In fact she gave me one of my photos. We were on the beach and she told me to draw "I <3 U" in the sand. Then I photographed that, then she put footprints walking away from the words and that was another photograph. I almost cried in front of her, but I didn't want to cry anymore.

As much as I loathe this project and hated that I agreed to do it, I think I actually want to look into it a little more. I want to be more serious about the photographs, take my time, and maybe this time I will cry in every place I go to - then maybe I'll learn the lesson she was trying to give me. Maybe then I'll become a true photographer.

He promised me he'd never leave me, and look where I am now. He left me. Every place I went I felt that. I felt something happened in those places, and now they meant nothing to him.