I am so stressed and so depressed right now, it's not even funny.
See, I've had depression (undiagnosed, but I've spoken to those in the field and they've said I most likey do have it) since I was in the eighth grade when my friend Chris killed himself. And I've been doing pretty good lately, I think.
I look at it like this: there are three areas, like a hockey rink. The first zone is all white - this is where I am when I'm truly happy and having a great day. The neutral zone is gray - this is where I am most of the time. It's where I'm just "meh, I'm okay." The third zone is black - this is where I am when I'm depressed.
Most mornings, I wake up on the white edge of the gray area. But lately, I've been waking up on the black edge of the gray area.
And I think I could handle this if I wasn't so godd*mned stressed.
I do not handle failure well. I will beat myself up ober failure, and my parents will constantly ride me if I fail. My life goes from pretty decent to hellish when I get a report card.
And if I fail, I lose sight of all my major dreams, and then I have nothing to strive for and I just wanna curl up in a ball and sleep 'til I'm fifty.
I'm failing three classes right now.
And I'm hating myself.
I just cannot do this. I cry myself to sleep every night and then if you throw in my parents freaking out about my weight and appearance and the huge crush I have on this kid and I'm just stretched to the limit. It doesn't help that midterms are next week and I've got three people relying on me to get this huge, super-important lab in to our physics teacher by Tuesday.
GALHDASLKGHDASLHRFEWAOY9RUEWJFANVBRFDJSKLJFHDASLKFDSHJ.
Any advice?
[Sorry this was a really "woe is me" journal. I just needed to let it all out.]
I need a hug or something.
January 13th, 2011 at 11:39pm