January 16, 2011

I feel like crying. I want to see my love once again but I am forbidden. I want to feel his arms around me, I want to feel his heart beat fast through his chest, and I want him to kiss me so tenderly like he does when we are together.. Why have we been torn apart like this? I feel as if my heart is being ripped to peices when he's not around. I don't want to live if he's not standing next to me. I cry myself to sleep every night and hold a teddy bear that smells like him to my chest in an immitation of having him there. I listen to his voice before I pretend to be tired and he lets me sleep. I hang the phone up and cry. I want to sleep in his arms so I feel safe. The nightmares are haunting me. there is so much blood, so many deaths, so many tears. I wake up and my face and pillow are tear stained. He calls and I try and hide the sound of crying from my voice and he always asks if I'm ok. I lie and tell him I'm fine even though I want to end it all. To see my blood splattered across my bathroom floor, I can't do that to him. I couldn't. To think about it makes me cry and hate myself. He hurts me and doesn't know it. But no matter what I want him to be with me forever. I can't tell him every thing but I'm trying to let him see some of what I feel. I don't know what to do anymore... I hate that I feel so useless and alone. I love him. Is it right to love someone even though you feel so broken?

~Kayami~