***ing up life

How can i keep living like this. Letting my feelings for someone hide in the back of my head. Letting other people get to my head. Letting them tel me my life is shit. That is't not right being what I am. Alex is my best friend in the world but I don't wnat to wreck all that over stupid feelings that she might not feel either. Now today my fuckign cousin is treating this like it's all a game. When life turns in the wrong direction. I just want to turn with it nad go into the drugy me. I've been clean for 6 months. I don't want to fuck up my streak. Right now everyone around me is so fucking happy and all I am is fucking pissed off how i could jsut fuck everythign up just with a single word that leaves my mouth. I am sitting right across from Alex and she's not happy right now. i jsut want to tell her that everything is going to be alright. Just because i love her, but i know that it won't end right. goodbye