The Strongest Lust I've Ever Had

So I just got a new job. And it's a little hectic here and there. You know, typical bullshit.

And then there's this guy. Haha, I'm a little stupid and pathetic--getting all giggly on a journal about him. But I need to tell someone about him. And the internet's the only place I can trust.

I won't give the important descriptions like his name, but I'll be as graphic as humanly possible.

He's even in height, and has light brown skin--nice and tan and dark. He's Hispanic--thick accent and really fast with his words. He speaks English and Spanish--and he's got one sharp tongue and quick wit. He's a smart ass, which I can't get enough of. Whenever he makes a crack comment, from how he's not getting paid enough to just how a customer is making it hard on themselves, it really makes me want to just laugh.

He's got a decent set of muscles too--he's solid, and smells lightly of Old Spice. He looks strong--and he's definitely got a very shapely ass. That looks really good in the black pants that he has to wear at work. It's nice and round.

And he wears his hair sort of medium-length to short. It naturally stands up on its end--I couldn't tell for sure, but I didn't see any gel in his hair. Which is a huge plus, if so.

He's got nice dark and large eyes. Long lashes. I noticed guys tend to have long lashes. And he's got large features in general--and not in an unattractive way (obviously). It all fits him. He's well developed. Nice full lips. A strong and defined nose. And cheeks I just want to touch.

Oh, and he's got a good thick neck. I was all excited about this--so hyped with how I lucked out with getting trained by him. *wink, wink, but not really*

So, everything seemed to work out okay. Sure, I had to deal with a manager that doesn't know what personal space means or that I don't like being touched the way he does. But cest la vi. I'll suck it up. It just gets me through the day, knowing that in the end of it all, I'll have a nice collection of money this summer. I may just travel. Or just have a night on the town in good ol' Chicago.

But I digress. I'll tell you more about this man. And yes, I call him a man. He is definitely older than me. But not too old that there's no chance. Most of the people I work with are well past forties. But this man I'm completely swooning over--he looks too young. I refuse to even think of a horrible possibility that he's over twenty five.

And, being the delusional and hopeful person that I am, I have a feeling he likes me to. But I'll explain that later.

There's this incredible energy that I feel whenever he's around. I tense up when he passes by. Hell, I'm a wreck when he's around. Sometimes, when he sees me struggling, he just stands there and watches me. But then, after a while, he gets a little closer and leans over to handle the computer for a customer. He's less than a foot away. (for me, that's an amazing feat. And though I was uncomfortable I was exhilirated and excited at the same time.)

At first, I kept as far away from him as possible. I suck with guys--I really do. An eighteen year old virgin, I am. But eventually, I decided to just quit being so uptight. I said, 'fuck it, if he's a few feet away from me, it's not like it's going to be obvious that I dig him.' So I took the cash register next to his. And he stared at me. I could feel his eyes on me--so intensely that I didn't need my peripherals to pick it up. He was definitely studying me.

After helping out the line of customers, he spoke to me. Usually, it was to tell me what to do or just to tell me what I was doing wrong. He was joining in a previous conversation between one of the other managers. One of hte managers was telling me that if I had any trouble, that I should look it up in the system.

And he tells me to just ask him. Of course my face lights up, as it does whenever he's around. Or passing by. Or looking at me. Or talking to me. Or just clocking in.

Ah, who am I kidding, haha. He probably has a girlfriend. Truth be told, I know nothing about him. Except his name. We never talk, not really, unless it's about work. Which I'd understand--if it was with everyone. But I notice that he talks just fine with all the guys. About personal shit.

But for me, it's "Do this." "Go face the front." "Why do you do it that way?" And god, even when he 'nags' it turns me on faster than a light bulb. And he could nag at me forever--I'd still be suffering from a heavy case of blush and a ringing head.

But there's some tragic news. The store I work at has a new hire. The manager is hiring attractive girls. (i know, i know... but hopefully it means that the guy won't be so up in my space and running his fingers over my arm as much anymore)

There's this new girl. She's really pretty. Like girly pretty. Beautiful. Long, smooth, and well kept black hair. The most amazing glowing skin. Features that accent her loveliness. And I know that already, there's no chance. If the guy I like sees her, he'll be all hers.

And I'm just a litlte frustrated--but not completely heartbroken. It sort of was a reality check. Still, it's going to tear me apart. So much, these next few days at work. I'm sure he will spend even less and less acknowledging my existence. And that's what's going to kill me.

I'm sad by this. I'm jumping the curb and going over everything like some paranoid chick who won't focus on the good of the present but instead the horrible past or the prospects of a shitty future. Maybe I need a chill pill. Or a Xanex cocktail.

I can only hope as I always do. But it felt good, and i'm not sad that I felt this way. Just sad that there's obviously no chance I have with the guy. I can hope, and hell, I can scheme. But it's not looking good, and I'm in no mood to give it a shot yet. Maybe I'll change my mind, but I don't know...

I'm really happy, though. This heavy case of lust. that powerful desire I felt for this guy was something I haven't felt in a very very long time. Like years. And it gives me a sense that I'm not dried up and dead on the inside. I can still feel such powerful emotions. It scares me. It makes me really relieved. Excited.

There are a lot of guys out there. Right now, I only want him. And I may just keep looking, keep hoping. Trying to get to know him better. Because despite my obvious lust for him, there's so much more to it than that. I want to actually KNOW him. Where he's from, what his dreams and ambitions are. What he plans to do; his desires, his hobbies, what he loves and hates to do. Who he really is. That's what I want to know.

But this girl, I can see how it goes. She looked older than me, too. A little more mature. A little more earthly and full of experience. Friendly. Sweet. I don't want to do anything spiteful. I'll just step aside and go with it. After all, I'm there to work. Not get lucky. Or make friends. A job is a job. Nothing else.

Still, it helps pass the time. It's like a magnet with my hormones and brain whenever he's around. He's so strong, that my entire sense structure is shattered by his very being.