I've come to realize...

You know how you're always begging for answers to questions you already know? You ask them just because you want to hear the answer from someone else besides yourself. You like to reassure yourself even though you tell yourself you dont,

I've noticed that within the past years, I've changed into someone completely different from when i first started to think i knew myself. I've gone through things that i told myself I'd never ever go through, because i was smart enough to see past it all.

I used to think life was all about fun and games and that you'll have all the time in the world to grow up. But, I have one more year until I'm off on my own and quite frankly it terrifies the living daylight out of me.

I feel kind of dumb thinking back then, that I'll always be in high school forever and that I'll never grow up. I'm in the eleventh grade and everything is biting me in the ass from back when i didnt do anything in school. Yeah, i've been an okay student. But, now i wish that i could have done a whole lot better with my school work.

It makes me overwhelmed to think that my junior year and senior year are going to be the only years that i've maintained a 3.5 or higher GPA. I never understood why adults stress why its important to grow up and learn to take responsibilities, But, now i know why.

Looking back on my life i realized that i dont like what i've gone through and what mistakes i could have avoided. Mistakes that could have saved me a whole bunch of times to where i could have made the right choice.

I dont like how i've acted in the past and because of the wrong choices and things i've gone through, I have a wall that blocks out everything and everyone to know the real me. I try and tell myself little things here and there about myself, but in the end their not true.

I say I dont get jealous but in reality i do at some point.
I say I dont mind when people cancel their plans with me, but i do care.
I say I'm outgoing but I'm really shy and afraid of people.
I say I'm blunt, but i really point out things that are obvious to the eye.
I say I hate relationships because they're a waste of time, when really I'm afraid of commitment.
I say that i can be very trusting towards people, when i can trust no one no matter who they are.

I feel like i've just discovered who i am and i've been on this Earth for sixteen years. I feel as if I've wasted the past years of my life pretending to be someone I'm not, but really i've been trying to find out who i really am.

I dislike the way my life has been for the last years, I used to think Life was your painting. You had the same enormous canvas in front of you each day, and you paint on it. Designing your life the way you want it to be. Nobody told me you could flip over the canvas and the paint the other side. Instead everyone was telling me erase the beautiful mistakes i've learned from and redo them.

Why mess up perfected mistakes when you can just flip over the canvas and start painting all over again. And thats what i've come to realize, dont erase from your mistakes, learn from them and paint the right choice on the other side. Keep those memories and remember what the outcome is from those mistakes.

You can never learn from the mistakes unless you make them. So dont erase them, admire them.