Jesi Dream

I could seem to control things other people couldn’t. There were tells, and yours was a gay pride flag. It was in the wind. Like my brother’s was the dagger. I don’t remember vividly what happened with him but someone was going to get a knife. The two ledges aren’t the same places.

There involved me… and Sarah and the car was somehow on the edge of the other (meaning half of the car was on top of the other half was hanging off), there was snow. And we were laughing, and Adam said “be careful.” The car could fall off the ledge and I could die, and the car could smash. I don’t know why our backyard had such a ledge, there’s a few inches of gravel there now. I slyly maneuvered out from the car when I felt it was going to fall. I don’t know why, but it seemed like I had minutes when the car was going to fall NOW. And when it fell, we all looked down. Adam was pissed. It was night, pitch black.

Somehow we’re in a new scene, Adam (my brother) and some guy. I can’t remember… they were rough-housing I think. It seemed innocent, but the weapons were deadly. I think the man deserved to die, but it seemed so innocent… like a child’s game. I knew. I feel like somehow I went back in time, and could have stopped it- I saw it. I saw Adam with the dagger, close to stab him. I never saw anyone die in this dream… But I knew he was killed.

New scene. There’s a party, with a balcony. I don’t remember why, where, but there was a table with a set up of drinks outside, an American flag, and a gay pride flag. You were on the opposite side of the ledge, ready to jump. You had a drink in your hand and a smile on your face. I don’t know why you wanted to do it… But then you did. I didn’t see you jump, but I know you died.

Other things happened, I think I was cutting vegetables with Sarah and I saw two flags waving… There were separate incidents. I saw the American one and thought that I could save you. The American one wasn’t your tell, your symbol. I screwed up. Then, in a new scene, but what seemed like days later although it wasn’t, there was the gay pride flag. And it was your tell. I could save you. I could go back and grab you off the ledge.

When you were gone, I’d never felt such sorrow in my life. It was worse than when Jimmy died, I was so miserable there were no words to describe it… I kept thinking I could fix it. And I couldn’t or didn’t know how. I think my friend help me make a sort of shrine. It feels like your coffin was in it, but I hid it so people couldn’t see. But it was all small enough to fit on the top of a dresser, so it wasn’t your coffin. I don’t remember much else about that.

New scene- another party. I think it’s a bowling alley, but I don’t recall. Someone comes up and says she’s your sister. She starts to say your full name and I get ready to break down, cry, something. But you’re still alive. She points or something, the girl at the desk. I remember the words ‘she’s still alive,’ but your sister didn’t talk to me. It feels like I said ‘she’s dead’ but no one talked to me…

And then I go over there, and there is the ledge, sure enough and you’re ready to go off. And I grab you- I save you… It was the best moment of my life. Then I hold you. I don’t know why but by now people are talking to you, and you don’t remember anything. You don’t remember me, but still, I stroke your leg and hold you with no intention of letting go at all. You say “I’m dating HER?” and laugh, but I laugh, too. It doesn’t feel like an insult, it feels so innocent and all I know is that I have you back. But there was hardly any feeling of relief.

I felt like I was going to cry when I woke up to this. I’ve had dreams ten times worse than this, but the… the deep blue color of the dream, the atmosphere… it was dread. It made me know that you’ve never experienced true dread until you’ve experienced that dream… It was its own word with its own definition and it was terrible, just terrible.