RIP Rachael.

So, about a half hour ago I found out that yesterday my best friend's ex-girlfriend killed herself. They were an on again/off again couple. I feel so selfish for this, but I'm so numb, and I'm crying, and I'm shaking, and I'm just.. words cannot describe it. I've never met her before, and now I never will be able to.

What I do know about her are a couple things. She made him happy, she made him so f*cking happy, she made him a more positive person. She was beautiful. He really liked her, maybe love, he never told me if he did. She understood him, something not many can really, completely do. She made him smile, and made him feel whole.

I'm so terrified for him right now. He's had a history. A bad one. Neglecting, abuse, drinking, smoking, cutting. He told me he was doing number 3 and 4 right now. That he's crying. He never cries. He told me last month that he finally cracked, he was under so much pressure.

As if this helps it any.

All I can say to him right now is how sorry I am, and give him stupid f*cking virtual hugs because I'm not with him right now. I feel so useless, the conversation ended with him saying, "love you too." I don't know how to respond, I don't know what to do. I'd call, or visit, but he needs space. I'm so terrified he will do something drastic. I couldn't live without him, he's been my best friend for four years. I prayed, and I cried.

I love you James. Please, please, please do not do anything to hurt yourself. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I love you so much.

Rachael.. I'm so sorry about what has happened to you to lead you to this destruction. May God look over you.