What Hurts the Most

We knew each other as acquaintances for awhile. We eventually became friends through the high school choir. We hung out together with our friends during lunch and the after school choir rehearsals. During one such rehearsal, she caught my eye. I don't know why I didn't notice how beautiful she was before but us behind the curtains in the school's dark auditorium made me melt. Shortly after, we were together. She was my world. It was only a short month but it felt like a an eternity of nirvana.

It's been about four years now. Four years since she left me for some prick who didn't even want her. I moved on, at least I thought I did. After more than three and a half years of being with another person. I find myself being drawn to her once again. After my brake up, her and a few other friends were there for me. That night it ended up just being me and her by ourselves. I know it was just me clinging to the one who was there for me but I felt a connection with her. Weeks go by and I hung out with her more and more, each time feeling more towards her. I finally got the courage to tell her how I felt. She rejected me. I was crushed. It felt like someone was inside my chest and squeezing my heart and yet, I still went after her. Like a lost puppy I blindly followed her. Even to this day I can't get her face out of my dreams.

I feel like I can fly just by standing near her. But alas, she doesn't want me. I know I can better than any other guy that she's been with since me. I can make her feel like she matters instead of being used just for sex. She makes me want to be a better person. I've quit my addictions because of her. I want her to be happy. If she'll be happier without me then so be it. I'm not done trying but I realized that I can't wait on her forever.

I've gone on dates with others and they are fun to be with, we have the same interests and enjoy each others company but every time I try to get closer. I feel guilty that I'm trying to forget my friend and I lose interest of the person I'm with. I am a wreck. I know but when your heart points you at something, I've been told to never give up. I hope one day we can be happy, no matter the outcome but for now I will be her pillar, her shadow, her friend. That's what hurts the most.