Wasting Time Trying To Forget

Dear Journal,
I sit here and I can't help but want to forget his death but I can't because clearly he IS dead and he's NEVER coming back. You know when I'm around other people I always feel like I have to be happy for them. If I'm not happy they don't seem to be happy either and I know everyone wants to be happy so therefore I put on my smile and be happy. I like to see my family smiling and laughing like nothing happened. I like to pretend nothing happened. It almost feels like he's on a long vacation and that he's coming back but somewhere in the back of my mind I know he won't. I'm mostly past crying. I still have my moments though when I break down. Mostly though when I think of him I smile because he was so happy and alive. He made me so happy and excited. He made me feel very content with the life I live. I'll never ever forget that about him; that he could make me feel beautiful and amazing and perfect in his eyes. People would tell me I was pretty but it never meant anything until he said it. Maybe it was cause he was amazingly hot or because his smile was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Whatever the reason, he made me feel like I was the only girl in the world. He made me feel like I was everything and that I was the most important person in his life. I loved to be with him. I loved to just hold his hand and be happy. I loved the way he kissed me and told me I was gorgeous even when I was drenched in rain and dirt. I loved the way he made me feel. I loved him.
I know it sounds dumb that I'm saying I loved someone at age fifteen but if that wasn't love than I don't know what is. The feeling he gave me was the best feeling in the world. It wasn't just a fling... it wasn't a meaningless highschool relationship. It was something! Something great and powerful and wonderful! It was somthing you would never understand until you felt it. Soemthing that you wouldn't be able to believe unless you felt it. If it wasn't love it sure was something specail.
He was so important to me and I miss him so much. I try not to think about it cause it makes me and others sad but I can't help it. At least I can half way accept it. Part of me feels, though, that I'll be sitting here my entire life wasting time trying to forget it ever happened.