Suicide Always Fails.

June 23, 2011 — I can spend forever telling you my life story, but I am going to try and keep it short. My name is Elizabeth. I am currently 17 years of age. I was always a happy kid until April 2, 2009. This was the day I broke up with the guy I thought was my dream boy. He didn't live in my city, or even like my blue hair, but we were so much in love. When we broke up I was hurt. I tried moving on, but it was tough. Life seemed to spiral to the ground. My parents started fighting a lot. There was one day where I had to grab my dad and hold him because he just cracked and was so close to hitting my mom. Depression started kicking in always afraid they would fight again. To this day if I hear somebody yelling I get a flash back to that day and start crying.

Months went by and I was over my ex. It was time to start fresh. I decided to try with new girls. I always had doubt on my mind. I hated myself. I was stuck at 5’7” because of knee surgery. I am covered in acne. Then when I look in the mirror all I see is a fat blob. I hated how I looked so I always had doubt it my mind. I was rejected by one guy so I thought I was worthless. The year 2010 came along and I said I will try again. I went out trying to find happiness because I was till so sad. I tried boy after boy..

It was February 18, 2011. I had been rejected 16 times. I had no male friends, nobody to hug. I had developed a social anxiety that caused me to leave school and join an internet school. I pushed away all of my friends because it seemed they just made everything so much worse. I hated life so bad. I was thinking about killing myself every night. I thought okay I will do it. I wrote a story and sent it out to a bunch of people on Facebook and everybody ignored it. It was a story on how I would kill myself on my birthday the coming up in March. My birthday came along and I sat in the bathtub crying with a razor in one hand ready to slit my wrists. I had taken an exceeded amount of Paxil just before this. I was about to cut and I just passed out. I woke up several hours later still in the bath tub. I looked at the razor and threw it down because I was too scared to kill myself.

I thought to myself that when I am 18 I will just get a car and drive off into a river or something - that I will just have to wait to die. I still cried every night feeling that I was hopeless. I would come on this website trying to find people to talk to. Many called me names, which hurt so bad. The ones that helped, I would get angry at randomly just because they were so far away and I couldn't hug them. I was in a hole. Music was no longer making me feel alive. I felt more than dead. Every day was a living hell. The few friends I had I would still fight with just because I wanted to release pain. I would make everybody around me feel like complete shit. I would use all their mental weakness and destroy them from the inside.

It wasn't too long ago. Maybe a month ago that I sat in my room. I just sat there and thought about everything. Then I watched this documentary and it touched me. It made so much sense. All that was around me was bad energy. My brain had only been focusing on the bad. Much good could have been in my life, but I ignored it because what was on my brain was bad stuff. I sub consciously wanted bad to happen. So in return I got bad things.

From that day on, I have seen life with new eyes. I had finally loved myself for who I am. I love everything about me now. I have one goal on my mind and that is happiness. All I want is happiness. I see nothing else. When something bad happens, I don't allow myself to be discouraged. I see it as this bad thing will bring something good. Doing this has brought me smiles. It has made me happy again. I can now help people get through there problems like I used to. My friends aren't my enemies now. Yes I still have much I want to achieve, but allowing this process in my life I finally feel happy. I think that all we have to do is want happiness and we will receive it. You must focus on what you want. Be grateful for what you have. If you do so you will get what you want.

If you allow anything to discourage you then you don’t really want what you want. I know in the end if I stay on this path I shall find happiness and find love. All I must do is focus on the good, never on the bad. I want to help others see this light. I want others to have faith and hope like I know do. If you hate life, don't give up. It gets better. You just need to keep your chin up. You don't have one set destiny. There are millions of destinies set out for you. You just need to choose one and focus on it. Let life be free. Let you heart beat. Don't be shy to smile. Keep the good in your mind. In the end you will receive what you want.

I am here to help anybody that is hurt. I have been deep in a hole. I am still in that hole. But I am gradually gaining ground and I want to help others out on my way. Please if you need somebody to talk to I am here for you. Don't be afraid to ask for help.