im so sorry lauren. (please read if you can give me advice)

so this has been on my mind for like a year now and i feel like i need to tell people. this is kinda what shaped me to who i am and always try look on the brightside even though it barely works. and i need to tell people my side of the story and what i felt soo... il tell you mibba people (after all you are the best :D)

So this girl i loved and she loved me back alot. we were going out for a long time but she never talked to me like when we were just friends. so after about 10 months of going out and it seems like she is ignoring me, like thats how much she was acting different when we were friends we would talk for hours non-stop and almost everyday, i think she is going to dump me. so i kinda have this feeling that she is going to dump me and im pretty deppressed and i eventually after so long of feeling ignored i think while we are at the park no i should ask her "why did you start acting different since we went out?" she says "i don't know what you mean?" me> "its okay if you want to see other people." (thats the moment where i felt dead and seen the look where i knew i was wrong as she started crying) her> "see other people! i love you and want to be together forever! i acted differently because i didn't want to mess things up and seem clingy!" me>"well im sorry its just" but she ran out before i could finish. she ran and i didn't know where i tryed texting calling her cell and home trying to find out where she was but no one knew either. at this time i was totally freaking out. so i went looking everywhere for her, a few days later i get a call from her brother asking what the fuck i did. so i just say i thought she wanted to see other people. he says im a dumbass for letting her go and doing what i did. so i try ask where she is but before that he hangs up. i run to there house trying to get there ASAP i see a ambulance outside and see her getting rushed out by medics and she has blood on her. i run up to the ambulance but she just yells "get him away from me!" so the medics tell her brother and father to get me away from her. i go home and after an hour of waiting i rush to the hospital to go see her and check what happend. when i get there i ask a nurse where she is. she brings me to her room, she is just lying on the bed motionless, sleeping and pale just very very pale but when i go up to see her i hear someone in the bathroom and they start walking out i notice it is her dad and he asks how i can show my face even around her after what i made her do. i ask what he means and he just says look at her wrists. i feel almost dead or more so i should be dead i see the deepest cuts i ever seen on her wrists i stand there and begin to go pale and blind unable to stand i fall and te nurses rush to see what happend they get me back kinda together and im wondering what happend i still barely got my vision back (they say i went into terrible shock) i am in a different room and i try rush out of there and get to her room again. by the time i get there i am able to stay for a few seconds i see her heart monitor isn't going as fast she is awake though as it was i stand there grab her hand and say "im sorry this is all my fault" i hope she has forgiven me but she just looks right at my eyes and says "your right this is all your fault this wouldn't have happend if i never met you. i wish i never did. i wish that i never have to see you again." after this she kinda falls asleep and her heart monitor slows down alot and the nurses force me out and the docters rush in. i wait in the hallway with her family but they just tell me to leave and her brother kinda makes me. so i tell him to tell me what happens and i go home. i sat at home for hours and finally get a call its from her me>"hello lauren what happend?!?" her>"what happend is my wish almost cam true i was almost happy. i was so close to never having to see you again." me>"im gald to hear you are alive and im so sorry for what happend it was all a mistake" her>"there was no mistake i know you hate me and now i have these permanent marks showing me the mistake i made for the res tof my life." me>"there was no mistake i love you and always will" her>"bullshit i have had enough of your lies" she hangs up.
i love her i still do i miss her everyday and it kills me what i made her go through and it kills me that i haven't been able to say im sorry and that i will never be able to talk to the best friend i ever had again. i hate myself for what i did and don't now if or how i can get over it i am wondering if any of you have any advice

and if you actually read it it means so much to me thank you so much!