It feels so good to let that out.

Ugh. I absolutely love him. Like, I’d do anything for him. Anything. He asks me to do something, I do it. I may be a little reluctant at first, but I do it. I mean, he’s talked me into doing so much shit for him. I stayed up all night with him once. I’ve showed him my messy ass room. I’ve changed my name to his last night on Facebook because we’re “married”. I’ve never lost that damned yarn wedding ring he gave me. I voluntarily stayed up with him another time because he couldn’t go back to sleep. (Which is a big deal if you know me; I love nothing more than sleep.) Hell, I know I’ve done more things than that, too. I would do anything for him, too. Anything he’d ask. I’m so whipped. I think of him when I’m doing literally anything. The smallest things bring up memories of him. Like, today, I was eating ice cream, and I remembered this random time when we were “talking” or whatever, and I told him I had ice cream and he said, “Awww! Share!” and I flirtily told him no, because he wasn’t there with me. Like, hello. Ice cream making me think of him? What the hell. And, there’s this picture he drew for me. It’s just a bloody dragon’s mouth, but I think it’s literally the best drawing anyone has ever drew for me. Because it was from him. To me. Specifically me. No one else is going to get one. It makes me so fucking happy. No one can make me smile as easily as he can. No one can make me giggle like he can when he tickles me. No one can bring me to tears faster than he can, and no one can make them go away faster than he can. I support him in any way I can. He thinks he sucks at guitar, I defend him and tell him he doesn’t, he’s self teaching and it’s going to take a long time. He argues with me, but I don’t care. I want him to succeed, and I know he will. It’s just who he is; even if he doesn’t see it. I love his reddish blond hair and his fucking gorgeous green eyes. His spontaneous, crazy personality makes me happier than you can imagine. He thinks he’s ugly and I think he’s the most attractive guy I have ever laid eyes on. He hates himself and I love him to death. I want him to see that I love what he hates. I want him to understand. I want to get into his head and understand why he hates himself. I want to see what makes him tick. Not in a “I want to fuck with his mind” way, in a “I’m so confused why he thinks this” way. I could go on for literally forever about him. He makes my heart hurt, in the best and worst way. He makes me tear up when he’s not even talking to me. I miss him, so much. All I want is what we had before. Hell, I don’t even care if we date, I just want him to tell me he loves me, too. This boy, whom I have only known since January 29th, has made his way into my heart and carved his name into it. I don’t know why him, why not some other guy I met. Why him and not Lee or Bobby? I don’t know if it was the way he moved passed the walls I put up like a freaking ninja or the way his pretty green eyes look when he laughs. All I know is that I’m in over my head and he doesn’t feel the same way. I’m so far ahead of myself, I don’t know how to turn around and run away. I want to. I never wanted to fall in love after the last time I did it, it hurt too badly. But, this time it feels different. It’s so hard to breathe when I know he’s not mine. God, I love this boy. He makes me feel so many foreign emotions that I don’t understand, and all at the same time. It makes my heart hurt. And, it confuses me. I don’t know how to handle this. I want him to know, but then it’ll mess up our friendship and what parts of it that aren’t damaged. I would tell him, but I’ve gone and convince myself that this time, it didn’t matter how I felt. What matters is that we’re friends. And, nothing is going to come between that. So, I’m pushing my feelings away. Too bad they’ve grown so much that it’s getting beyond hard to do it.