Fears

We all have fears, some are stronger then others; but we all have them. Little kids fear the monster under their bed, little kids fear the monster in their closet. Eventually, we stop fearing in those small things as we reach in the daunting times of puberty. We deny having fears, but we only repress them.

My teacher had asked me what my biggest fear was, and I replied with "nothing, I don't have a fear" but I did, I just didn't want to say them aloud because I wanted to be strong and not seen as weak. Because to me, being weak, was a fear all on its own. I can say with certainty my childhood wasn't a great as I would've liked it to be. It was feeled with tears and heartache. I would get bullied and tormented beyond words. They had destroyed me. Sometimes, I wouldn't be able to cry because, well, all my tears were shed by then.

I had held so much in my head; I had refused to let them out. And that was wrong of me, I didn't really even know the consequences of bottling things in. This ended up me cutting myself. The first time I tried it, I was in my room, crying my eyes out and I saw a box cutter razor. I don't know what happened but I ended up cutting myself. It felt weird, and it felt good. Eventually, I slashed up my whole arm. I had liked the feeling, I couldn't describe it.

I had done that for months, just cutting; not caring about my life. I kind of still don't care now either.

Coulrophobia; the fear of clowns. Just seeing a clown makes you shake with fear, your throat will close up and your hands will begin to shake and tears will begin to fall. You begin to cry hysterically and maybe even scream. You will see the first signs of an anxiety attack.

sursumdeorsumphobia; The fear of up and down things such as an elevator. Sometimes, it's more than one thing that causes this fear. It may even be claustrophobia causing it. Being traped inside an elevator or being in small, confined spaces.

Not unusual fears, quite common actually. But those two fears of mine do not amount to my biggest fear.

Not being loved; by anyone. And it is so uncommon that it doesn't even have name. It's been a big fear of mine.