letters to mom : letter 1

dear mom,
i know i've already written a million letters but i decided to write you some more. you know i have a book called letters to mom, but that one is for me only. i'll still be talking about the same things, but that one will be more frequently and not online. well, at least not right now. so anyway, how have you been? i miss you. i still listen to that song that reminds me of you. and it still makes me cry. i've been thinking of you alot lately. so much that its hard for me to sleep. it's 12 something in the morning. i've been writing abut killing and suicide. but you know why. i've already told you why. its because i hate myself and i just want to be with you mom. i love you. i know that if i kill myself i wont be with you. i cant help but think that maybe, they'll make an exception. if you were still alive, none of this would be happening. i wouldnt be angry, i wouldnt be sad. none of that. well, thats what i tell myself at least. i'm crying, writing you this letter. but you know its out of love. i love you so much. like that little girl said in the song, it hurts. it really does hurt that your dead. it really does.