Letting Go

Dear Journal,
Things have changed once again. I can feel myself becoming someone else if that makes sense. I can see the effects my life experiences are having on me. It's weird to know that everything you do, say, or go through can change you. As I learn and grow I feel myself growing out of the pain and into understanding. I still wish he was here and I still wish that I could be with him forever but I can't. Waiting to die is becoming too difficult for me, I want to live and be happy. I want to grow and help others find what I treasure the most. I don't want to forget who he was or what he did but now I realize I'm not so scared to let go of him. I'm not afraid to loose what we had because I know that it'll change. It will be so much different in a few years. I'll know more, I'll be different. I'm not afraid anymore of growing up. I used to be afraid to live because it meant that I'd have to grow and become someone without him. Sometimes I want him there more then anything in the world because he would understand how I felt and he'd let me talk to him without any problems. But now I know that I can't always rely on everyone else, that I have to grow up by myself in a way. Life has because easier for me because I understand that I'm only here for a short while. This place, this world is not where I belong and I know it in my heart and because of that I KNOW I won't have to live in the pain forever. I can't help but let go of the pain and move on because if I don't my life will be nothing but grief and I can't handle that anymore.
-Nicole.