Love. Sometimes I'm just a non-believer.

So I'm not really sure how to start off this journal, just feeling a little...I don't know, emotional, for lack of a better word.

Last night was my homecoming dance. I went with a good friend of mine who had feelings for me but I recently told him that I didn't feel the same way. But, just before the dance yesterday, I found out that he kissed one of my friends. Now, I guess I don't really have a right to be mad. I mean, I told him I didn't feel the same way. But this friend of mine thought that we were still talking about getting together when they kissed.

And that stings.

A lot.

But I'm not really sure why. I mean, maybe I was starting for feel a little something for this kid, who knows? But part of me is kind of glad this happened because if I was growing feelings for him, there's no way I would let myself persue them now. Better to get a little hurt now than a lot hurt down the road if it actually would've went somewhere, I guess.

I guess I'm just scared. A couple months ago I was in a fairly serious relationship, my first, actually, and it just kind of came tumbling down. I know that not everyone will hurt me like he did, but I'm just too scared to even take the risk anymore.

I know love is supposed to be like this great thing that changes lives, and I believe that. Three years ago, someone came into my life and turned everything upsidedown and made me happier than I've ever been. I guess I've just seen all the bad it can do too. I've seen what it did to my parents, my friends, myself. And I don't like it.

The prime example would be my grandmother. She used to be this perfect grandma who baked cookies all day long and was happily in love with my grandpa. But ever since he died she's been acting like a completely different person. She's been with this guy ever since my grandpa left us that is a total ass and in no way treats her right. They are consistently fighting and breaking up. She's smoking and drinking 24-7 now and yesterday she got a tatoo. Yes, people, a tatoo.

I don't know, maybe I'm being too emotional, maybe I'm being too negative, that's just how I see things now. I haven't forgotten all the good things love can do to a person, I just see more of the bad. But maybe that's what makes it so special when you find the good.