Depression and Religious/Heaven Ranting...

Have you ever felt completely useless and hopeless...?
Like when you just kinda realize theres no hope. That theres nothing at the end. That theres no such thing as a better life or a better ending.

I think its funny, because all my life really roles around is depression and hope. Sometimes i lose that hope and get mauled by depression, like now.

Everyday everything is a routine, a cycle. I wake up, spend around 2 hours regretting ever waking up, get up, think about heaven for god knows how long, go through hell after dreaming about heaven, wish it was the weekends, (if its the weekends, then wish it was the weekdays...) Yeah for some reason i get the impression on the weekdays that the weekends will be better since in my middle school days, it used to be my ticket out of depression. but now, the weekends are worse than weekdays because i have the most homework and have the biggest oppertunity mentally to be depressed which obviously i do. yeah i'm complicated)

anyway, life just isn't kind to me. I have clinical depression... and probably some other mental illness. I like watching this show called 'Wolfs Rain' and now im all gaga over the idea of Paradise. A place where life is better, not like heaven but just... it's hard to explain. I mean it sort of is like heaven, but its just a place of world peace, imagine the world without any of its problems. A place where there is no depression and a place where there is no war, no blood, no depression scars, no depression attacks, no cuts, no burns, no pain, no mental instability, where everything and everyone is normal and where we go at the end of the rainbow.

Yeah i seriously convince myself that this place exists, just to give myself some sort of confidence. But then i realize... it doesnt exist. That i made this magical place up, that this place doesnt exist. and neither does heaven. Don't hate on me, i know a lot of people believe in heaven, but i am expressing Amendment 1 here and freely saying that I just don't think there is any place of heaven. It all just kind of seems like a cruel joke to me. Saying that one day you'll go to this splended place called heaven where everything you ever wanted is housed and where you meet your creator? It all seems far too farfetched to the real world that we see with our own eyes today, and if you think about it.... If you don't believe then you go to hell? A place of burning fire and pain just if you don't believe?

This whole thing plays with your brian, i mean obviously it's scaring you into it, and if you think about it deep enough. Your brain is a very complex system, i mean if you believe sometihng enoguh then you get it, or at least 'feel' it. If you're cold and think about warmth, sometimes that helps you. Ever heard of a placebo? (or whatever its called) if you BELIEVE medicine is helping you, then it 'does' however it really isn't. You just believe it because your brain does, and therefore you think you've been cured and lose your symbtoms. Same thing here, if you believe that you feel loved or feel His warmth, then this can all be a brain trick.

I've felt it before, but i very well know what it is now. We've all felt it, we've all felt for instance someone breathing down your back or something at night when its dark and think someones in your room. That's your brain right there, and it's happened to all of us- our brain has tricked us at some point. I'll bring in some more examples- for those of you like me who never eat breakfast? At first i did, but as i got older, i stopped feeling the need to and now i feel full. This is because your brain shuts it out, believing that breakfast isn't needed, and so you dont feel hungry. If i make up super early, then i'm literlaly starving to death in the morning. (Because my brain hasnt shut it out yet) but if i slepe through it and wake up later, then i'm perfectly fine.

The same effect even goes into smoking. Your brain thinks that smoking is good for you, so you feel sick, feel the absolute need to smoke. I don't know if i've convinced you or not, probably not, but that's just what i know from experience, not from what a book has told me or what i've heard from different places...

Back on the actual subject though (i stray from the topic a lot as you can see) sometimes i kind of trick myself into believing theres a paradise or a heaven... then i remember what this world is. I look and instantly feel what this world is. I'm here, on the computer, writing a journal about my lifes problems. It's snowy outside and drastically fast becoming holiday season. I am yet to meet anyone who has gone to heaven and had proof of it, i am yet to find any proof myself about visiting paradise. But i know what i've seen and experienced, I've seen and believe that people have killed other people of the same animal kind. I know about oral sex and sex and rape and all this other crap that goes on daily for entertainment. I know thats not so wrong to do sex, i mean its not only human but animals a like natural instinct and desire. But the reasons its being done sometimes makes me sick to the stomach.

I know there is wars going on just for land, and being the hippie i am, im just like "we where born here on earth. theres so-and-so i dont even know how many continents but thats just continental plates that are above sea level. Why shed blood over who gets the most land when we all FIT on this Earth anyway?!" I mean i understand all this and plenty other stuff happening, humans are suck like that and unholy creatures. It makes me embarressed and ashamed to be of the same animal species.

But places like heaven and paradise? It all just seems fictional... i havent seen any of it and i doubt i ever will...

-End of ranting-

Those of you who actually read this t-rex of a journal, what are you're thoughts? Highly appreciated! I love hearing other peoples thoughts on all my little depressy journals, feels like home then.
<3