Things I just can't say. /rant/

You know I gave you everything, right? I don't even have any fight left in me. You know I was actually pregnant? I miscarried. But you don't know that. And I'm not sure you ever will. You thought I was lying when I told you I was possibly pregnant. Well, you were gonna be a daddy. And I get to bear the pain of it all. There's no point in telling you. Might as well let you live in the bliss of ignorance. Do you know how bad that hurt, when you accused me of lying, and trying to trap you? It broke me more than you will ever know. That is the only thing that keeps me from going back to you. I was scared, and you made it worse. And I don't think that I can ever forgive you, no matter how much I love you. 

But now, I found someone who treats me amazingly. Who listens when I talk, and holds me while I cry. Who offered me a room for me and my child when I was still with you, even though she loved me. She spoils me and shows me how much I am appreciated. And I feel horrible because I can't give her my whole heart, nor call her the love of my life. Because you have most of my heart still, and that title goes to you. I don't know if I did something, or you simply couldn't handle it. I am sorry that I am depressive schizoaffective. I am sorry that my head and emotions are as unstable as my home life. I am sorry that I made your life more difficult. I tried, I gave it my all. And that wasn't enough. And I'm sorry. 

Now. I am thinking of switching my medicine... My anxiety is getting worse, and the depression is breaking through the Prozac. Im hearing conversations in my head again. That's not a good sign. And I'm scared my mom wants me to move in again... I'm stable where I am. Shell have to go through my lawyer, through my guardian, and over my dead body. I'll be damned if I go through that again. 

Sorry this Is so long, and depressing. I just had to get it out.