My life

I know that there is so much that the world is holding for me, but I don't know what it holds for me anymore. I just know that death has been on the brain for awhile now because i think about all that I have been through it makes me see how I am not like people who don't go through the abuse for so long. Yet I also know that through my abuse that I had to deal with I have grown a lot stronger. I know that sometimes at night I have nightmares that wake me up from a dead sleep because I feel like I am back in the sitution that I thought I had put behind me a long time ago.
I know that I still try to push people away because I am afraid that I might get hurt once again and I just don't know if I could actually hand that again. I know that when my father abuse my mom I wanted so badly to see that she would be able to get out of the sitution and that she would take us with her and wouldn't let us make us ever go back to his house again. Yet that would be a little to easy for the state to understand that at all. We were made to go every other weekend to our father's house. I hate that idea and I wished that I could somehow take my sisters and run with them and make sure that they could have a normal life and not have someone that need to protect them from their father. I knew that I couldn't do that becuase my sisters believe that he a good father.
I watched as my father would drink the poison which he and the world calls alcohol. I would watch how it would change him into a whole different person that I didn't even know anymore. He would do that ever night and I do not know who it hurt more when he did this. I wish that I could say that I have a much better relationship with my father now that I have grown up, but to be honest I don't.
For the last time I saw him I saw how he treat my half-sisters and it got my brain going once again on how I could protect my half-sisters from going through the same events I did growing up like I had. It got to the point over summer that my mom told me "Elsie your half-sisters might be taken away by the states." I didn't know what ot actually say, but i knew that it would probably be the best thing for them.
I want with a couple of my friends for a outing the next day in hopes that I would be able to forget about what could possible happen that day. Yet in the end I broke down in tears because I felt like I was carrying the world on my shoulders and I finally gave up and let someone help me. I got home that night to find out that there was nothing that the state could do and that it was once again our word against their word.
The next day my half-sisters left and I had a feeling that when they left it would mean that I would probably not see them again. It has been two years and my father is on the run with his wife. I got a feeling that they are running from the Child Protect Service because if they get called on one more time then maybe my half-sisters will be taken away and then they will have a better life. Yet I don't know if I would feel like I would be able to actully able to live knowing that they are lving with my father and his wife who are not takening care of them very well.
I know that if they do get taken away by Child Protect Service that I will never see them again or even know what had happen to them, but at least I know that they are safe and will not have to go through what I went through. So I am really hoping that they will so then they may be able to have the life that my sisters and I were never able to get.