That Lonely Feeling Again...

It was my birthday yesterday. None of my friends called or even messaged me a generic happy birthday. This seems to be nothing new, actually. It just seems to be one of those small things that makes me hate having to fear that day even year. I would not have taken it so personally if I had not been with my friends not too long ago celebrating a big surprise they planned for someone who is nine days older. I feel so damn childish for being bummed about it. I'm eighteen, now an adult (I suppose), this should not be.

I find that I don't fit in much with the two main circle of friends I rotate from. In one group, I am too much of a "punk-rock-stoner" and on the other hand I am too mature and not enough of a stoner. I have little to nothing in common with either group. A little bit ago I was tagging along after a movie, we started talking about one girl who had disowned us as friends. The one girl said that she was ditched because she was told that they "had nothing in common anymore. So, there is no need to pursue their friendship." That really struck a chord with me. I have nothing in common with these people, is there really a need for us the keep our friendship?

It seems like a grand realization that I am alone as it is, but when everyone leaves next year...
I hate to admit that I will be so isolated that I may be in a very bad place. It is good to be a kid -- a teenager, perhaps-- every once in while. Maybe have a drink or two and run around late at night. But, I don't really have hope that there are people out there who would love to wreak some havoc with me. It makes me feel like people would like me better if I hated myself a little more-- that is, they'd like me if I was like someone else.

Sometimes, I just want to reach out to an old friend. I was actually once her best friend, until I pushed her away because my home life was all fucked up. I want got say I don't want to be an introvert anymore! I want to go out late at night, wear too much make-up and maybe even start a fire! Let's be friends again! But, I tried subtly one time. I could hear the boredom in her voice. And I realized just how different I was from everyone else.

It's just damn frustrating. My apologies, I just wanted to let that out. I am kind of hurt and am really questioning who I am and who I want to be.