So they deleted my story so I'm just posting this one chapter here.

So, I decided to write about Marcus some. You know, the one guy I fell in love with. The one guy that I left. My biggest regret deals with him. I could honestly see spending the rest of my life with him. He was everything I had every wanted. He IS what I want. What I need. I know I'm only 15, I'm young. But you know.. whenever you have this feeling inside, that you can't explain with words, when someone can effect your emotion whether good or bad with only one word, when after 6 months you're only even more in love with them. Marcus changed me in so many ways. I don't blame him for any of it, I'm the one who fucked up. I'm the one who messed it all up. I'm the one that chose wrong. I'm the one who doesn't deserve someone as good as him. I just can't take not having him sometimes... it's too hard.
Well lemme tell you about him.
His name is Marcus Alan Morris. He lives in a small town 2 hours away from where I am. He has a TMNT tattoo sleeve. And heart in a heart shaped rib cage, and stars across his chest, and a few others scattered on his upper body. He will be 20 on May 10th, 2012. He has really pretty light brown eyes, and he used to have longish hair. Almost reached his shoulders. Then one night he got drunk and shaved it, I was so mad at him... aha. But now it's short. Idk how to explain it. but I like it. His smile is kind of crooked, with a little smirk way to it. I don't know.. I can't sum it up in a few words. It drives me crazy. He doesn't have one of those perfect bodies. Like, no epic abs, but no fat either. Just perfect. He works for his family's trucking company, so he gets to travel a lot. We got into a big fight on this one trip whenever he was going to New Mexico... it was terrible. Never cried that much. But then he also works at a tattoo shop some. I believe he has his own tattoo gun, too. Idk if he still works there. I haven't really talked to him since November..
Well basically I used to have this friend named Sean. Sean made me feel like I was his world. Yeah, I THOUGHT I loved him, but I didnt when it came down to it. He was my best friend, and I always went to him first. We met at an A7X concert on Marcus' birthday. Oh, the irony. Well Sean was always jealous of Marcus, because I would always talk about him. Sean hated him. And on the last day of my Thanksgiving break this year, Marcus' friend intervened and was going to make me choose. I was so confused. I didn't know what to do. I was crying, shaking, bleeding, I just couldn't control anything. I had chose Marcus t first, but wen back on my word when Sean threatened suicide. I couldn't live with that if it had happened. Well, I was broken hearted. After I lost Marcus, we didn't talk much anymore. It's still weird every time I try to talk to him. I dumped Sean's ass early January. He screwed up my life so much, so I just didn't care about him anymore. I was talking to so many other guys while I was with him anyways. I just didn't care anymore. So Sean threatened suicide again. I honestly didn't care to tell you the truth. He made me give up the love o my life, he always made me screw things up in my life to make him happy. He fucked me over big time. Then when I tried dating my best friend Seth, Sean said I was going to die on the streets high with a baby whenever Seth dumps me. WTF? I gave my virginity to Seth too. I kind of didn't care. After Marcus I was just with guys all the time. I couldn't fill the void that Marcus had left. There's like this huge gaping hole in my chest that he ripped out of me. It hurts so bad. I don't know how to deal with it half of the time. I'm sitting here right now with tears in my eyes not sure what to do. I got high the other day and sent him a 7 page text, last weekend actually, about how much I fucking miss and love him. I just don't know what to do sometimes. Every time I know he's with another girl it almost kills me. Jealousy takes over and I get these super bad chest pains. On my birthday last week him and Katie broke up, again. And he actually texted me back. I literally broke out in tears. Hearing from him for the first time in forever. I didn't know how to react. everyone thought I was sad, but I was so incredibly happy. I've never been that happy. Like, I honestly hope he reads this, just so he can know what he did to me, and still is doing to me. I don't know if he still loves me, but I know for a goddamn fact that I still love him with every inch of me. He's all that I want in this world. I would ditch everything for him, just to be able to be held in his arms. Just so I could actually meet him. Yeah, don't say any shit about me not meeting him either. That love was fucking real and I will fight someone to eternity over that. I just can't face it that I gave him up for some stupid fucking piece of shit like Sean. It's just... ugh. I miss him so much, I can't put it into words. I remember walking down Mobile's streets and him texting me telling me that whenever I graduate, I'm coming to move in with him and were starting our life together. We had planned it all out. And we were going to take everything day by day. Live the dream. I was so happy I was in tears. He made me feel like no one else. He made me feel like those girls that all the guys talk about in love songs. I can still read those love things on tumblr. hear a song on the radio, or someone mention almost anything, and I automatically relate it to him. I don't know what it is about him... but I love him so fucking much that I don't know what to do half of the time.
I'm one of those girls who get bored easily. I could stop talking to a guy after a couple weeks because I'm just tired of them. Even now I have this guy anmes Jon that wants to talk to me, but the whole time I'm like, I can't. I love Marcus. and that's not changing anytime soon. I want him. I need him. I can't say it enough. I just can't explain this feeling. I can't explain what he does to me.

"I wish there were words for the way you make me feel."
-Marcus Alan Morris.

You ever had that "wonder" feeling? Where you just sit there and reminsce over old times. How things have changed. All the new and old ppl that hav com into ur life lately. I mainly think of the people thatve left. I think of the special ones . for me, marcus. Like, what could i have done to make him not leave? What if i disappeared, would he care? Was it my fault? Did i do the right thing?will i EVER be happy again? Will my life go back to normal? Will i not love him one day? Im just sittinng here listening to drake on the road at 3 in the morning thinking of what could have been. It would have been amazing. I would do anything and everything to make it last with him. There would be a distance but who gives a fuck. He'd be mine and thats all that would ever matter to me. Like i mentioned earlier about the disappearing thing... what if i totally left. What if i was killed. Raped. What if i became national news. What if i was completely gone and i was never found... would he care? Would he regret anything? Thats all i want to know. I want to know he still cares about me. Even if its in the slightest bit. Just knowing means so much to me. I just hope im not hopelessly in love with someone who doesnt care for me. I want to know if i still cross his mind. I want to know what he thinks about me and everything thats happened. I want to know what he's going through. I want to know if he's happy. Yeah, if he is, ill be super happy for him. But i know it'd kill me knowing im not the reason he's happy. That im not the reason for that amazingly sweet smile that would spreads across his face. I want to be on his mind when he wakes up and when he goes to sleep. Just like he is for me. I know we wouldnt have the perfect relationship because of the distance. We couldnt see each other every day. We couldnt go on perfect cute little teenage dates all the time. It wouldnt be a "normal" relationship. But itd be worth it in the long run. Whenever we grow up and get married it'd be more than worth it. Everything would. He'd be that one guy that i would do anything and everything to have. He's perfect for me in basically every single way. I dont know how to put it. Like, all my friends always ditch me for their boyfriends and everything. They always do that. Its so fucking hurtful. Because then there's me, the loner, hoplessly in love with someone ive never met. I never know what to do about my life half of the time. I feel so whiny and annoying typing this. Im sorry if im coming off as a complaining brat but i cant help it. Im writing this for ME. But like, ive always been backwards from everyone else. I always try to fit in and the exact opposite happens. It just plain sucks. Idk what to do about it, it just does. I dont know how to change my whole entire life. I always talk to guys that live so far away, they start to really like me, i think of Marcus, and totally stop talking to them. I just cant think of liking someone else when im madly in love with Marcus. It's just not possible in my mind.