February 11, 2011, 12:37 pm. 446 days ago
We don't talk about it. We don't talk about anything That's the problem. That's my problem, actually. I don't talk to anybody about what's going on in my head, because I'm afraid they may not be able to take it.
May 3, 2011, 5:31 pm. 365 days ago
Recognizing my fears....
-speaking in front of a crowd
-surrounded by people I don't know
-failure
-doubt
-paranoia
-loud sounds
-I tremble and shake as I speak to a crowd
-I get butterflies in my stomach and have to let them out
-I'm so hard on myself and get mad at myself for failing
-I start to doubt myself and things.
-I hear things and my mind plays tricks on me...I hear voices too
-I feel like something bad will happen, negative thoughts and images
-my heart jumps and my whole body has a shock wave
August 22, 2011, 6:07 pm. 254 days ago
I just don't know anymore. Especially this year. Who is my friend and who is not. Ive just been to myself today.. Reserved basically.
September 15, 2011 6:12 pm. 230 days ago.
As i traveled down the sidewalk, my mind filled with thoughts. Undecided of where i was going,... I just walked. I turned my phone off... I usually do that when I'm sad and when the person i wanted to talk to didn't answer. It cleared my head all until i got to the stop sign. I looked to the left and then to the right. Debating on which way to go. Left was home... Right was anywhere. But outta each ways. I don't know why but i went left.
Once i got home. I didn't go in. Why? I don't know even thou i was thirsty and had the sudden urge to pee. I didn't go in even when my grandma came out to greet me. I stayed where i was and left it at that. But as soon as she left i broke down and cried... I wanted to cry all day but i didn't till now. I just let them fall and didn't let out one peep. I didn't have anything to say but there was a lot on my mind. I wanted to cry at school and i wanted to cry more on the walk home but i didn't. But as soon as i seen her face and once she walked away.... I let it out.
I wanted to scream so loudly but i didn't know what to say. So many thoughts on certain people and certain things rushed thru my head all at once. I wanted to die. I wanted to hurt someone. I wanted to do so many things but didn't. I just sat there with a fist full of tears. Not speaking but listening... To the birds sing and natural call. I wanted to sit there forever and never leave. I wanted to never speak again cause it was peaceful with no words and nothing to say. Then suddenly the tears stop and everything was just numb.... I felt nothing. I said nothing. I did nothing. But just sit and stared. Then at that moment... I looked to the sky. And watched the clouds.... Every cloud was pure white except the one traveling above my home. It was just grey... And as i watched it travel, my tears did too... My sudden urge to pee stopped too.
I just wanted someone to talk to and who can understand how i feel. But then again. I didn't feel like talking. Its been a year since i just wrote. Not poetry more like my direct feelings.... And i forgot how beautiful it could be
I see a cloud shaped like a heart...but it faded and blurred into just a blob.... I think that's how my heart is... I still haven't moved or spoken. I haven't peed or went to go get a jacket when it got colder. I just sat and stared into space.
I watched as two birds fought... I listened as they yelled at each other and argued for like 10 minutes. They may of said some bad things to each other but too me it was music to my ears. I listened as the crickets sang together in perfect harmony. From a distance, i heard the marching band from my school... I couldn't tell what song they were playing thou, i just know they were good. My eyes followed the white fluff that fell from the sky..one just so happened to land on me... But pushed it away.. For what? I don't know, it wasn't bothering me but i felt that it didn't belong. A bird landed on the railing... I watched as it stayed alert and i watched as it watched me. Our eyes never leaving each other but then it flew away. A bee decided to visit me. And it was one big son of a gun. I was debating on weather to run or stay. I stayed But it left..
I just sat there and thought on and on. Then I couldn't think any more. So i took a deep breath then got up..
October 17, 2011, 6:19 pm. 198 days ago
Today is the day... Oh am i excited. I finally get to go to apallo night! As i near the line for the tickets my excitement builds. The line moves quick and finally I'm next. I hand the lady my crumbled old five dollar bill and she hands me my ticket. I quickly put it away, not wanting it to get messed up or taken out my hand. I get in line then sit at the table with my fellow associates. We talk excitedly about tonight and eat our food. We were interrupted by the lady announcing that all the tickets were sold out. Oh well. I got mines, i think to myself. But one of the girls at my table groaned in sadness and says she really wants to go. The others groan too seeing as their best friend cant go. I debate to myself weather i wanted to go really. I think about how i haven't been the previous two years and one more year couldn't hurt. So i say, " you can buy mines". She smiles in happiness and the rest quickly tells her to do so. So i hesitatingly give her my ticket in exchange of five dollars. I frown slightly after wards and sit in silence the rest of the lunch. Once we were dismissed i got up and left. I head to my next class and i think of the fact that it didn't matter if i went. All i was gonna do is sit there next to two people i didn't know and sat quietly. It was no point in going if i knew for a fact that i wasn't really gonna enjoy it. I mean all the loud noise, everyone screaming, everyone enjoying themselves but not i, i was gonna sit there the whole time knowing i had homework at home and i would miss bad girls club. Now that i think about it, it doesn't matter if I'm coup up in the house. I miss it the last two years, there's always next year... But then again i said that last year.
October 18, 2011, 3:15 pm. 197 days ago
I almost cried today. Right in the middle of class. That alone took some of my pride away. Why was i crying? From pain. Wanting to die. Death right about now sounds better than life. The pain will be gone and i will be content. What should i do? I have all these pills in my hands.
October 21, 2011, 6:09 pm. 194 days ago
As i sat there on those hallway stairs, i thought of every and anything. Sad really, i wanted to cry. I lost myself for a minute and i didn't know why. I felt empty. Why was i acting that way? I don't know. Why was i suddenly full of hatred? I really don't know. Its pretty cool how i can cover up my true feelings. Its cool how i can hold everything inside until I'm alone. And when i was alone i cried. It lasted about 20 seconds but it helped at least. I felt a little better at least. But that pang in my heart still hurt.
October 21, 2011, 9:20 pm. 194 days ago
Everyone has an excuse but me. I have no excuses. I do things because i want attention. I do it cause I'm jealous. I do it cause i always have bad intentions. No one ever talks good about me. I'm always doing wrong everyday. I'm always angry and upset and evil and bad and mean and cruel for no reason. NO ONE KNOWS WHAT I GO THRU EVERYDAY. NO ONE DOES. I'M BARELY TRYING TO GET BY. I HAVE A BAD WEEK AND AN EVEN WORST WEEKEND. NO ONE KNOWS WHAT I SUFFER THRU EVERYDAY. I'm barely living. I'm trying my hardest everyday just to keep a smile on. NO ONE FUCKING KNOWS HOW BAD THINGS ARE FOR ME. And when i start yelling I'm the bad one. I'm the mean one. I'm the evil one. I;M THE ONE WHO DOESN'T BELONG. i don't fit in. I go thru each day numb and fake. I put a smile on my fucking face just pretending to be what I'm not. And at the end of the day no one gives a shit about what Triauna feels. They want me to talk when they are ready to listen. Well where the fuck were you when i was ready to talk.
October 25, 2011, 12:29 pm. 190 days ago
I feel like such an outsider. I feel pathetic honestly. Sitting here by myself with no one to talk to. Everyone around me laughing and smiling. I don't fit in. Sad thing about it is.. That I'm fine with it.
November 1, 2011, 11:21 pm. 183 days ago
I hate sharing my feelings with others. They silently judge me and change it. They tell me what i don't need to hear. They make me feel worse and makes me sadder. I'm alone in this situation. I have NO ONE to tell everything i feel. My therapist yeah but that's once a week. Its hard. Its hard to deal with everyday and then when i get home, I'm able to let it all out.
December 20, 2011, 1:56 pm. 134 days ago
Some of the choices i made in the past has really affected me even if i were in that stage of not knowing any better. I had a bad childhood and i believe its what made me this way. I was always the one picked on. The one talked about. I was different. I didn't have real friends. I was small once but i was always bigger then everyone in height and weight. I never really stood up for myself. Deep down it would hurt me. I came home and retreated to my room all the time. I built up a wall and grew a shell. I hated myself. I hated who i was. And what i had become. I didn't have anyone to share it with. I kept it all in.
January 7, 2012, 3:15 pm, 125 days ago
The end of the day is my sanctuary... It brings me peace when I'm walking home from school. I bob my head to the music as i step to the beat. I listen to words and try not to sing along aloud. I block out the world and think about nothing. Its my time alone to clear my head of everything. Its-Beautiful..
May 2,2012, 3:42. 1 day ago
Its been a while, maybe because Ive been focus more on poetry or possibly the fact that Ive been happier. No one's life is perfect and there are people out there that have it worse than me. It basically an inner demon. I have anxiety, I have depression and I have panic disorder. I know this for sure now. But I'm alive. I'm living and breathing. And right now that is the greatest blessing I can possibly have. You know of my struggles, you know of my pain and look at me now. Its been a five month gap since Ive last written because Its been the best five months of my life. I made friends. Jamese and Alexis. We don't have the best friendship out there but what we do have is enough for me. I don't think that they know that they mean more than me than I make it seem. Before they came along, I was only in my room every weekend, I never really talked to anyone about what was really wrong with me and all I could do was cry alone( I still do) but who doesn't? I used to cry myself to cry myself to sleep at night but now I barely get sleep because all I think about are what am I planning for the weekend. Yep, I leave the house now without my mom or dad. I ride the train now, which is something I'd never expect to happen. But Life Right Now, I Love it. I still Get depressed but at least I'm not alone anymore.
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