well, that situation is resolved. [sorta] [but not really.]

okay.
so
if anyone read my last journal,
it was about my 18 year old f*ck buddy, quaid.
okay,
so,
just to put it out there,
we weren't techinically f*ckbuddies.
we never really got past 2nd base.
it got pretty heated once,
but
it stopped before it got too far.
[i'm still a virgin,
and i'm not about to give it up to someone i've known for like two weeks.]
[okay, three weeks. whatever.]
anyways.
i hadn't talked to him since saturday.
i was busy fighting with my other personalities about why he hadn't called.
one side of me figured that he thought i was some crazy bitch who wouldn't give it up, so he was just gonna drop me like a sack of bricks.
another side said "he's just busy working.
yeah, working his way into some other chick's pants...
well,
i was wrong on all assumptions.
but that comes later.
so
i was sitting there in my room
fighting with myself,
and staring at the razor in my hand.
i was seriously thinking of taking up some old habits.
because i've been dealing with enough shit recently that i've been crying myself to sleep.
but thats a whole other story.
but
i wanted to light a candle first
so
i got up,
lit a candle,
thought about grabbing an exacto knife from my drawer,
but didnt,
and then went back to sitting onmy bed,
listening to motion city soundtrack.
and
i grabbed my razor
and
my phone rang.
now,
it was 11 at night, [ish]
so
i grabbed my phone
and
my heart jumped just a teensy bit.
it was quaid.
well,
he apologized for being a jerk on saturday,
even though ididnt think he wa sa jerk,
and
told me that he hadn't called in a while because he was really confused.
he's still hung up over his ex girlfriend, mercedes.
who is going to be 16 soon, going to be a sophomore this fall.
and
he hadn't asked me out or made things "official" or whatever because he couldn't get her out of his head.
which
is slightly upsetting,
considering the fact that i'm pretty messed up over him.
but
he's telling me about how her other boyfriend is prett yice, some kid named ryan, and he's cool in quaid's book, and whatever.
but
this other guy that she's with,
kyle,
is, apparently, the scum of the earth.
now,
granted, i've never met any of them,
but i played along and let him tell me the story.
and
so he's pissed 'cause she's sleeping with this kyle guy
and
he's telling me about how
a week before i met him
he fucked mercedes,
and
she thought he had a rubber
but
he didnt and
apparently
it was only like a day after her period went away
and
so
now he's scared shitless that she's gonna get pregnant
and
she won't talk to him at all
and
he doesnt know what to do
because he told her that if she's around this kyle guy, then quaid's never gonna talk to her again,
and
he doesnt know what he should do.
so
i told him to let her be.
if she's not gonna listen to him, then she'll just have to lear from her mistakes.
and if she wants to get in contact with him, then that's fine, she'll want to talk and what not.
but don't try and make her pick up the phone and talk to you.
so
whatever.
i'm actually not al lthat broken up about it.
i like him.
i was actually beginning to open up to him,
i told him a bunch of shit that i haven't told anyone else,
like my history of cutting.
but
he told me that he cut too.
so
we kind of talked each other down,
by being hypocritical and telling eachother that it's not worth it,
and
that it's just a physical makr for emotional pain
and
what not,
but,
it helped.
we talked for two and a half hours.
he's still scared about mercedes getting pregnant,
and he's still hung up over her,
but,
there's nothing i can do about that.
so
i'm still not sure about the status of our relationship [or lack thereof...]
and i really have no clue how he feels about me
but
i'm perfectly happy with where we are,
and if he wants to get together in the future,
then,
that's great,
and
if he's not ready or willing right now,
that's fine with me.
i'll be fine for now.
i'm really happy that he called.
i was going crazy from not talking to him,
and
he stopped me from starting up an old habit that i don't like.
[haven't cut since... the end of 9th grade... more than a year.]
and so...
i'm content.
[i'm content with losing :: underoath.]

but thanks to all who commented on the last journal.
=]

peace and love to all.

xx