It's the things that we could have done that will kill us.

(I think)

Today, I feel the most guilty and bad that I've felt since the accident.

It wasn't that bad, really. Nobody went to the hospital. Neither of the airbags went off. Nobody's car was totaled. And the rational part of me knows I should be so thankful and grateful for that, but today, I just can't be.

Because honestly, I'm so scared. I'm so scared I'll lose my license. I was the first of my friends to get it, and if I lose it, I won't be able to drive for another year. It makes me sick to think about.

And really, I know that even if that does happen, I'll still have my license again before some of my friends even get it for the first time. But that just seems like the ultimate failure. Losing your license. And I know, I know. It's not that bad. My cousin lost her license - twice. But I've always been a good kid. And now? Bam. I'm the girl who illegally puts a person in her car and then gets in an accident.

And it really kind of kills me because it's not like I'm the only one who's done it. I've been in a car so many times illegally, and even my 'good' friends do it. And I'm not even the worst offender. Of my two passengers, one was legal. Only one was illegal.

I know a girl who put five people in her car when she wasn't supposed to be driving anyone. Hell, I know somebody who drives people all the time and she doesn't even have her license. I can honestly say that I don't know a single person who hasn't ever had an illegal passenger. Actually, I do, but they haven't even had their license for a month.

I know it's my fault. I know I didn't have to put them both in my car. I know that Kenna, who's a much better driver than me, would have agreed to take all three of us, if I really wanted her to. I know that Megan would probably have rather stayed on campus, but all the rest of us were going off, so she did, too. But there was seven of us, and only three of us could drive. And since it was my idea, and I invited everyone, it really was my responsibility to take the illegal passenger.

Sara, Megan and Jade had never been off campus before. I wanted them to have the experience of going off. It sounds dumb, but I thought it was important. And it was the same typical experience so many people had. The same one I had on my sixteenth birthday. I went off with a girl driving a whole bunch of people with a bunch of other people meeting us their in different cars. Of course, we didn't get in a car accident. We were late to get back to school, but it was a field trip day and it didn't really matter.

I guess that I just feel like such a failure. I'm a good kid. Maybe not the best of them, but a good enough kid. I don't always do my homework, and I'm not in the top ten or even twenty of my class, but I'm a good kid. I don't do drugs. I don't sleep around. But I got caught.

And I just feel so, so bad.