It's not the fact that he's with some other girl that makes me upset. No. It's the fact that before her, he was always complaining about how no girls liked him and that there was no point. And the whole time I was there. I had liked him but either he didn’t notice or he didn’t care. I was overlooked. It wasn’t the first time in my life. I wanted him but he didn’t want me. I wasn’t thin enough, wasn’t pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough, I wasn’t enough of a nerd for him. I wasn’t enough; plain and simple.
He said I was one of his best friends and he didn’t want to ruin that if we started a relationship and it didn’t work. Funny. He said she was one of his best friends, too. And yet, he’s dating her. What is so wrong with me that he wouldn’t take a chance on me? I tell people “Watch, it will be one of those situations where ten years from now he will suddenly want me. But by then it will be too late. By then someone else will already have me. And then he will be the one waiting.”
Always waiting. That’s all I ever do is sit and wait. Wait for a guy. Wait for a job. Wait for a life.
Everyone says I need to go out more. At 22, the only going out is to the bars. I hate the bars. It’s not my scene. So what is a 22-year-old virgin like me supposed to do then? Internet date? I’ve thought about it, yeah. Have I had the balls to do it? Sort of. Will I? Maybe.
For once I want the guy to like me back. I want to go on my first date. I want to have my first kiss. There are so many firsts I have yet to experience that kids practically half my age have gotten already. It’s not fair. Life isn’t fair. But hey, it can’t be fair for everyone. I’m just one of the unlucky ones.
We are still friends. I’d like to consider him one of my best friends still but I feel it’s a one-way street. It’s always the same. When he gets a girlfriend he basically forgets about me until he sees something on Facebook that is worth texting me about.
You know, before she entered the picture back at college, we hung out practically every day. I think my roommates were getting sick of him but they were too nice to say anything. It’s not that they didn’t like him. He was just always there because he hated his roommates and his other friends lived far away from school.
I dream of us being friends in the future. I once asked him “When I ever end up getting married will you come to the wedding?" to which he responded
"If we’re still friends then, yeah.” I then asked “Do you think we’ll still be friends then?” He said, “Most likely.”
Now I’m not so sure. We graduated college two months ago and it’s just not the same. We talk at least once a week but it’s mainly just to catch up on what’s been going on. The funny part, and this happened the last time he had a girlfriend too, is that he never mentions her. The last one, it was only when something was wrong and he needed to vent about her. We’ll see how this one goes because they haven’t been together for very long at this point in time.
It’s amazing and saddening how much one year can change a friendship. Paris Carney sang it best: “I’m stuck in this triangle of love. I try to ignore you but I don’t. Yeah, I’m stuck in this triangle of love. But I am invisible. She won.” (Carney, Triangle of Love, 2010)
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