This Is It

School's starting up in four days. Hello Junior year. I feel like this year is going to be different, even though I'm going back to my old school. There's so many others that have left and aren't coming back, my group has dwindled to just a few.

I think that the weight of reality is finally kicking me in the ass. I used to be so apathetic about everything, I hated life and all the people and things in it. You have no idea how much I just wanted to leave and never come back, but I couldn't. I don't know what was keeping me here, maybe it was God or something. I don't know, all I do know is that I'm still here today.

My best friends dad had six heart attacks last week. He's like the father I always wished I'd had growing up. He treats me like a father should, even though I'm not his daughter. He calls me his anyways, that me and Anna were destined to be sisters anyways. I couldn't agree more, she's my other half in every sense of the meaning. I was mad at first, that no one told me, that she didn't tell me, but I've gotten over it. Kinda. I'm just glad he's okay, that he made it through. I don't think going over to her house would ever be the same if he wasn't there. It would feel empty, it would feel wrong.

I think I'm realizing who I am this year too, I've changed my style. I still love all things punk, but I have new things now. Nice things. They're still rebellious and stuff, they're just nicer, more presentable. Wow, a punk wanting to be respectable, if the [bold]EBPM[/bold] could hear me now. I've just decided that I'm growing up, that I shouldn't hang on to that old me, that devil-may-care, fuck you and everyone else attitude. I'm going to be going to college and I don't want to be that weird girl with the camera sulking around in those ripped up skinny jeans and see through tops. I want to be that girl with the camera that looks like she knows what she's doing.

That brings me to college. I'm going to be seventeen years old in a new state, in a new city, in a new school. I'm going to be all alone, I'll have to get a job, find an apartment, have responsibilities. When I graduate I'll nineteen. Not even old enough to buy booze. >.> Oh well. I guess I'll just rely on my brother like I have been since my fourteenth birthday.