Guilty Feelings

I am forbidden to talk of the reasons why to anyone, but I still feel so guilty for not being able to do anything this year. Christmas is so close, even if it is a month away. I have had a major set back with my plans, and this kills me. I have several people I want to buy Christmas for, and I cannot do for anyone, not even for my own family. I have an amazing boyfriend, but I wish he would just be quiet on the subject of 'Christmas'. I still haven't figured out how I can tell him that I can't afford to buy him anything this year. I can't buy anything for anyone this year! He keeps asking me what I want for Christmas, but I don't want anything because if he gets me anything, I will feel so bad because I can't get him anything. I have five friends I wanted to buy for this year, and not to mention my massive family. I can barely have Christmas for my own self. Next year is rumored to be ten times as better, but what do I do about this year? I feel so bad about all of this. My parents feel bad as well because they can barely afford my brother and I a Christmas at all. The money is excessively tight…no, I'm not going to sugarcoat it. We have no money. This pains me inside. We aren't a 'poor' family by no means, but we do live paycheck by paycheck. I need to start trying to figure out how to make homemade things perhaps. All I can think of though is pictures and cards to make. I feel so frustrated about the whole situation. Every time someone mentions about Christmas, a pain shoots within my heart, and I want to cry because I can't do anything for anyone. It's just one Christmas though. Next year, if the rumor is accurate, I will make up for this Christmas.