Down Hill

i miss my real life i keep trying to be a good person but i just hurt more people. A person once asked me if i like who i am... NO i dont nothing i do is right i just want to tell people that i love them and care for them but it feels like they just forget me. i want to fight for whats right but it's down hill for me even though i'm trying as hard as i can. I watched a movie last night and it was called Dark Water it made me think about my life and... well what i want for my future. i want someone who wont hurt me and wont leave me i need someone. i got one person who is being very rude to me and i dont like it I'm trying to do the right thing and i have not done anything to her she just likes to be a bitch and i cant take it i've been nothing but nice and sweet and she treats me like shit and like im worthless. maybe im am but i dont need help finding that out. i wish i could show everyone the hurt i have inside me just maybe they would treat me like someone but i dont know how much longer i can wait i mean really how much can a 18 yr old take. i feel so much pain but other times i just cant... i feel so numb and like everything is a dream. i really dont like that feeling. sometime i wish i could just cut till there is no more to cut that is how bad i feel. i dont want to feel like that anymore but i just cant change just like that. i remember my friend Julian he is dead and i tryed talking to him but i dont get anything i blame myself for him shooting himself in the head with a shot gun and taking his life before i could save him i loved him and now he is gone why why didnt i help him he asked in to but i never did why then his girlfriend told him to kill his self and he did i dont understand if i would have talked to his girlfriend than he would never have done it i mean he asked me to and i never did wow im such a bad friend :( i love you Julian oxoxoxoxox