Suicide...

This last week has been really hard.

It’s not like I’m saying I knew him all that well, because I didn’t.

I met him a couple of times. We had those normal awkward conversations that people do.

“Hey,”
“Hi,”
“How’re you liking classes so far?”
“They’re good.”
“Cool.”
“Yeah.”

But still, it’s crushing.

How are you even supposed to react when someone tells you that?

Are you supposed to be totally fine?

I wasn’t.

I cried. I wanted to sob, but I pulled it together because that’s what was needed from me. I needed to nut up or shut up.

And then hearing all the details.

Are you supposed to just calmly take it in?

Because it made me want to cry and tore my heart into tiny little easy to digest pieces.

I mean, I don’t know. That’s normal right?

What’s the normal response?

If you father came to you and told you that your big brothers’ best friend had committed suicide, even if you mainly knew him as ‘the roommate’, would it make your heart crumble?

My big brother isn’t the most talkative chap. This was his best friend. He’s shy. The only place he really talks to people is on the internet. It’s where all his magical friends live. He already lost one best friend. Only, this time it’s different. Last time it was to cancer, and they were 11. This time it was because his best friend was having a rough time.

How am I supposed to act around this? Because when we went to check on him today, I could tell he’d been crying, and it just made me feel so broken.

I guess that’s the thing with love.

I mean, we fight all the time, and we’ve never hugged, and I’m pretty sure we’ve never once said ‘I love you’ to each other, but when I saw him so sad it just tore me in half. I felt like just sitting down and crying. It took me by surprise, cuz I guess I just didn’t know that I loved my brother.

It sounds awful, but it’s just the relationship we have, ya know?

We’re the only in city family, so we’ve kind of adopted all the boys during this time.

It’s not sitting to well with anyone.

The thing is though, they’re all keeping distracted.

He just isn’t.

He thinks it’s his fault, but it isn’t.

It isn’t anyone’s fault.

But he just can’t get that through his head.

How do you make someone understand that?

It's because he was mad.

His friend was a recovered alcoholic and he'd been drinking, so my brother was mad.

He feels guilty because he watched as his friend got a glass of water and went to bed.

It's not like my brother knew he was in there with piles of pills just waiting to be popped.

No one could have stopped him.

But they're all feeling horrible.

And that has me feeling horrible.

He was 20 years old, and he won't get to experience life.

He was a dancer.

The cops said they think he might've been experiencing with a mood altering drug, and that might've been what drove him over the edge.

I just wish all the pain would stop, you know? Like everywhere I turn, someone is dying. It's all over the place. Every day I get news of a new death, and it's really making me depressed.

I wish things would get better.