Two different feelings in one

My mom is coping with the fact that I have terminal cancer and is coming to terms and planning on me dieing within atleast the next couple of years, maybe sooner. She has hope in her faith and is okay with it because she believes that she will see me again in heaven and I will be released of all the worldly things. I don't know if you call that giving up or being a prepared realist.

My dad won't believe the fact that I am going to die young. Now that I am on this newfound diet and herbal supplements his belief is even stronger and he doesn't say a thing about funerals, just papers if I were to have a stroke.

I don't know how I feel. My dad wants me to call my doctor for this treatment that slowed down the tumor, but it still grew. The pharmacist said Avastin only works for a couple of months and that is how long I was on it. There are risks of brain bleeds and strokes with this medicine, but my dad has talked to a couple of people that have been on it for years and haven't had any problems so he thinks that I should continue through with this. I keep forgetting. You could call it subcautionsly putting it off I guess. He keeps asking me if I have called the doctor yet and say I forget and he gets angry. I know he must think that I am giving up, but I am not. I started to have bloody noses with it and that is the sign of a bad beginning. I don't want to get back on it.

"Why wouldn't you, Megan, it slowed it down by 50% my GOD!" Those are my dads words.

I do not know if I am just swayed to believing my mom's opinion and am set in the fact that I am going to heaven early or what. I haven't given up, even though some might call it that. I am working on this herbal diet with no sugars or dairy and am having hope that this could be the miracle that the FDA won't approve.

I really just want to tell everyone to screw off and just keep living my life. That is the indecisiveness in me and maybe a little bit of denial to some people?

I do not know what is wrong and what is right. I can not predict the future yet everyone expects me to. I think I need to start talking to a third party like a counselor about all the different sides that won't be as hurt when they hear what I am truly thinking. It hurts my family and friends to talk about it and I know it can't just be ignored, but I have so much running through my head, yet I can't understand a thing I am thinking.

-Insert Complicated by Avril Lavigne here-

Have a fabulous night and smile. It may not be okay, but it is.