Four Months

I'm scared.
Terrified actually.

In four months I will be walking across a stage in a black gown, receiving a certificate. I don't know what I will be doing the next day, week, month, years. I don't know if I'll have to move back home or if I will have found an amazing job somewhere far away. I don't know if I will travel with my the money family sends me or save it up for a rainy day. And this, this type of unknown. It scares the shit out of me.

At 20, it's obvious that I'm one of those people who was always mature. People were saying I'd make a good mom at the age of 13, and by 16 I had stopped hanging out with my friends and the summer get togethers--I started hanging out with the mothers and playing Scrabble. I was never good at acting my age and I never will be. That's just who I am. But that does not make this experience any less terrifying.

It feels like I just pressed fast forward. I spent so much of my life focused on school and my education that it's all a blur. I honestly never went to one party in high school, I never hung out with people on a Friday night of even dated for that matter. I studied, I studied hard. That's the only way I graduate from high school with both my high school diploma and an AA. I was not alone in this, I was not the only person who chose this path. For those of us who did, our high school experience was not like the rest. But do I regret it? Not one bit.

I do, though, regret not remembering. Because, really, anything after the age of 12 is a bit of a blur. All I remember is studying probably because all I did was studying. I know I did other things, and the big events I definitely recall. I'm just scared that this is how my life is going to be. I'm going to look back and see it all as a blur instead of amazing breathtaking moments. I'm someone who has been focused on this one day my whole life, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do after it. I've reached my goal. I've completed everything I knew to complete. I am, at the young age of 20, going to be a graduate of university.

Graduation. It's a scary thing for anyone of any age. Whether it's graduating from preschool or medical school, the idea of being done is terrifying and exciting at the same time. And everyone feels this way. No matter their age, no matter what type of future they have, it's scary. The unknown is scary. All I can hope for is that I one of the applications I send in gets a positive response. I just need one and my future is set for now.

Graduation is scary.
Graduation at 20 is like walking the plank.
Seriously guys, people don't want to hire someone 'inexperienced' like me.
Even though my resume is better than half of my class.

I'm scared.
I'm terrified.
But for some reason, deep down, I know it's all going to be alright.

Stay focused. Stay fearless.
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