My twentieth birthday is tomorrow. | Tattoo #4 + #5.

I can't believe I'm in my last hour of being a teenager. This is crazy.

I really don't want it to be my birthday tomorrow, because I feel like a failure. I still live at home, I work at Stop & Shop, I've never gone to college, I'm in my first serious relationship, I'm fat, I have bad skin, I'm immature, and I'm everything but what I pictured myself in my twentieth year to be.

Ever since I was young, I've had it in my head that I was going to die young. Of natural causes, even though I clearly don't know that for sure. I have a fear of growing old; if I don't die by fifty, I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't WANT to be fifty, I don't even want to think of turning thirty. To me, age twenty is like the average person's sixty or seventy.

Women in my family live long lives (generally). My grammy turned 96 on January 13th, and my nana is turning 86 in May. My great grandmothers lived a relatively long life as well, even though I never got to meet them.

But I don't want to live a long life. I just don't. I never have. I'm so scared to turn twenty because even though I don't want to live very long, I don't want to..well, die.

I know this sounds weird, but it's just how I feel.

Sgkshgkjlsglghskgjas.

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My parents are paying for my fourth tattoo. I'm surprised I went a full year (full year as of February 17th) without getting another tattoo. My first two I got in the span of two months, and the third I got nine months later. This is the longest I've ever waited, and I'm feeling withdrawals!

I had my grammy write out "love", and I'm getting it done in her favorite color (purple) on my wrist. That's the one my parents are gonna pay for.

Then, I want to get one of two Mickey Mouse hands (gloves) making a heart. You know how some people do that with their fingers, make the heart? I want Mickey gloves doing it. And I may or may not get "do what dreamers do" added on to it. I have to think that through some more though.

But I have a problem. I don't know where to get the Mickey one done! I've been thinking about it for so long, and I can't figure out where. I do NOT want it on my back or the back of my shoulder or anything. I already have one on the back of my neck, my right forearm, and behind my right forearm / below my elbow. The "love" I'm getting on my left wrist. So I don't know about the Mickey gloves. People have been saying my foot, but I'd feel weird having hands tattooed on my feet, lol. Any ideas?